Showing 421–480 of 602 articles · Page 8 of 11
Iron Dome Software Keeps Asking Operators To Update Adobe No serious mishaps have occurred as a result of the incessant update requests, but that remains a matter of time. Near Ashkelon, August 21 – Operators of Israel’s revolutionary missile interceptor system expressed cumulative annoyance today after countless months of having the software repeatedly ask them to update their edition of Adobe. Iron Dome Battery …
UN: Israelite Raid After Arad Captures Prisoners ‘Disproportionate’ The US and Britain declined to use their vetoes, a move largely seen as a rebuke to the Israelites for not allowing themselves to be attacked with impunity. Horma, near Edom, August 16 – International condemnation followed the Hebrews’ military operation to free prisoners taken by the Canaanite ruler of Arad this week, an action deemed …
IDF Seeks NYC MTA Experience On Ways To Make Hamas Tunnel Digs Never Finish Chief among the IDF’s list of MTA achievements they wish to study is the Second Avenue subway line. Kibbutz Nir Am, August 11 – Israeli defense officials continue to seek innovative ways to neutralize or combat threats from Hamas and other Islamist militias in the Gaza Strip near this pastoral community, including those groups’ use …
Tubal-Cain Wins Contract To Develop ‘Bronze Dome’ Defense System Tubal-Cain’s half-brothers Jabal and Jubal also made important advances in their respective fields of animal husbandry and acoustics. Ur, August 7 – A local metallurgy pioneer has secured an agreement with the government to develop and produce a weapons system to help guard the civilian infrastructure from arrow attack in case of war, government tablets …
Hezekiah’s Tunnelers Keep Bumping Into Hamas “They are throwing off the schedule and endanger the project itself.” Jerusalem, August 3 – Workers laboring under King Hezekiah of Judah to divert Jerusalem’s water source from use by the advancing Assyrian army have repeatedly encountered Hamas forced laborers in the process of digging passages of their own, sources in the king’s palace said …
Hamas Accidentally Digs Wrong Way, Floods Tunnels With Seawater Fighters, workers, and child laborers scurried out of the passages via shafts in homes, mosques, schools, and public health facilities. Khan Younis Refugee Camp, July 27 – Hundreds of Hamas personnel and civilian workers in the underground system crisscrossing this militant stronghold were forced above ground today when a team of laborers was misdirected and …
Teacher No Longer Accepting ‘The Occupation’ As Homework Excuse “We cannot allow this man to continue to poison the minds of our children.” Nablus, July 25 – Parents and students at the Yasser Arafat Primary School expressed outrage today that a fourth-grade teacher at the institution now refuses to excuse missed assignments attributed to Israeli military occupation. Students came home from school yesterday and related that their …
Leningrad Appalled At Use Of Word ‘Siege’ To Describe Gaza “Are bakeries in Gaza using a mixture of half flour and half sawdust?” Leningrad, Soviet Russia, July 20 – Residents of this city on the Baltic besieged by the Wehrmacht voiced outrage today upon being informed that Palestinian advocates would be employing the term “siege” in talking about the military blockade imposed on the Gaza …
Consistent Use Of Correct Hebrew Proves Man Is Foreign Spy “He was using the right verb form for the third-person feminine plural future,” recalled an agent. Tel Aviv, July 13 – Investigators in Israeli counterintelligence have caught a foreign agent when the man unwittingly exposed himself by being the only person who used grammatically correct Hebrew, Shin Bet sources reported today. The man, an employee at …
Israel Increases Mining Of Dead Sea Salt For Taking With Amnesty Reports “Entities such as Human Rights Watch, B’tselem, and various UN bodies have also contributed to increased demand for salt, and the industry has been more than happy to provide.” Kibbutz Ein Gedi, July 11 – Local officials at this community overlooking the Dead Sea have seen a marked increase in the scale and quantity of …
Mandatory Sentence For Treating Injured Jews Reduced To Lynching Analysts see the move as an encouraging sign of emerging liberal values in Palestinian society. Ramallah, July 7 – Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas signed an order today that sets a new, lighter mandatory punishment for people convicted of tendering medical aid to Jews, ordaining that such convicts be put to death by lynching instead …
Study: Punishment Only Collective When Jews Impose It Punishment is eight hundred times more likely to be “collective” when the negative treatment occurs at the hand of Jews. Davos, July 3 – A group of researchers examining the nature of Newtonian principles has discovered an ontological anomaly in the application of action-reaction principles, whereby the term “collective punishment” can only correctly be applied …
Egypt’s ‘Iron Pyramid’ System To Intercept Locusts, Hail Pharaoh chose those plagues because they are the most likely to recur. Memphis, June 28 – Military engineers have been working day and night to develop technology for shielding the country against enemy plagues, a spokesman for pharaoh’s palace told reporters today. Called the Iron Pyramid, the system will be designed to blow apart hailstones …
Palestinians Call Rahab Zionist Collaborator Police officials said Rahab ran a brothel in the wall of the city. Jericho, June 23 – Palestinian security officials announced today they will seek the arrest of Rahab the harlot, whom they accuse of collaborating with the Zionist occupation of this city. Riydat Adma, a Fatah spokesman, said his organization convinced Palestinian Authority officials …
UN Blames Israel For Lousy Mobile Reception In Hamas Tunnels “It would have been more humane to enable the doomed people trapped in tunnels to play, for example, Candy Crush.” Khan Yunis, June 19 – United Nations officials issued harsh criticism of Israel today for the sorry state of wireless connectivity and reception in the tunnel Hamas uses to move men and materiel through the …
Israel To Publish Porn Surfing Habits Of Hezbollah, Hamas Leaders “Many don’t realize that we developed most, if not all, of the fixes out there that are marketed or portrayed as methods to defeat tracking, precisely as a method of conducting that tracking.” Herzeliya, June 15 – Israeli military and defense figures speaking at the annual Herzeliya Conference told the audience today that as a preemptive …
Report: Israelis Killed In Shooting Allegedly Shopped, Dined First At least one victim flagrantly ordered ice coffee. Tel Aviv, June 8 – Police investigating this evening’s shooting attack in the downtown area of this city are reporting initial findings that indicate all nine of the Israelis killed or wounded in the incident may have been engaged beforehand in such suspicious activities as shopping, visiting cafes, …
IDF Cadet Pretty Sure He Missed Knife-Planting Portion Of Training His commanders have not exhibited understanding, or taken his complaint seriously. Camp Schneller, June 4 – Private (First Class) Lior Amedi expressed near-certainty today that his basic training regimen for the combat unit he will soon join did not include the crucial component of planting knives near or on the persons of Palestinians who have …
Palestinians Mull Plans For When No Holocaust Survivors Left To Stab “We really must develop a coherent approach to this problem, because it’s not going to go away. I mean, it will, and that’s the problem, but – you know what I mean.” Jerusalem, May 30 – Three teenage suspects in the stabbing attack on several Holocaust survivors two weeks ago were arrested today, reigniting the question …
IDF Reminds Soldiers Not To Leave Base Without Towel On May 25 An IDF-issue towel of the appropriate color will replace the requisite beret. Tel Aviv, May 25 – The IDF senior command and officials at the Ministry of Defense issued a reminder today that all personnel are to keep on their persons a towel at all times today, in keeping with the observance of Towel Day, …
Incoming Defense Minister Has Never Denied Eating Palestinian Children “I have never seen Liberman in the same room as the infamously bloodthirsty Vlad Dracula.” Jerusalem, May 20 – Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu is expected to announce in the next day or two that he has appointed as Minister of Defense a man who has never, according to media records, denied feasting on the …
Hackers To Undermine Israel By Attacking Dry-Cleaner Website The move is part of an upcoming attempt to bring Israel to its knees. Iata, Palestinian Territories, May 16 – Members of the clandestine hacker collective known as Anonymous hatched a plan this week to take down the institutions and confidence of the Jewish State by gaining access to and disabling the web presence of …
UN: Israel Independence Day Fireworks Noise ‘Collective Punishment’ “The noisy displays rub salt in the collective would inflicted by Israel when the latter refused to be pushed into the sea.” Geneva, May 13 – The United Nations Human Rights Council again weighed in against Israel today, calling Wednesday night’s fireworks in honor of the country’s Independence Day collective punishment of the Palestinians, some …
Apparently, ‘A Stone’s Throw’ Supposed To Be Metaphor “It just never occurred to any of us to take the term at anything but face value,” said Academy spokeswoman Yirga Muhu. Jerusalem, May 9 – Linguistic researchers at the Academy of the Hebrew Language were stunned this week to discover that the common English expression “a stone’s throw” denotes a short span of distance between two …
Suicide Bomber Attack At Mos Eisley Cantina A Hamas poster named the bomber as Jarjar al-Binki, 25, of the Shati refugee camp in the Gaza Strip. Mos Eisley, Tatooine, May 4 – A Palestinian suicide bomber detonated his explosive belt inside a landmark watering hole last night, killing seven patrons and wounding twelve others, including the establishment’s proprietor. The Hamas organization claimed responsibility …
Shock As Soldiers Not Arrested For Shooting Attackers Yaalon said the IDF cannot sink to the level of its enemies by actually killing people. Kalandia Checkpoint, April 27 – Hours after a pair of Palestinian siblings attacked soldiers here with knives and were shot in the attempt, the soldiers who fired the shots that neutralized the attackers have not been arrested or placed …
Iron Dome To Ignore Rockets Headed For Haaretz Building The move will help the unit operating the Iron Dome to conserve energy and resources that would be put to better use defending parts of Tel Aviv that actually matter. Tel Aviv, April 20 – Israel Defense Force technicians have reprogrammed the Iron Dome missile interceptor system not to shoot down any rockets that would …
Sporadic Stabbings Mysteriously Fail To Cause Millions of Israelis To Flee Despite decades of Arab terrorism, protests, and international opprobrium, Israel has only grown in population, economic strength, and military power. Ramallah, April 13 – Palestinian strategists are scratching heir heads at the latest statistics showing that despite six months of stabbing attacks on Israelis, the six-million-strong Jewish population of the Zionist state has not abandoned …
Gaza Residents Vaguely Recall Non-Tunnel Use For Cement “What, you mean like above ground?” wondered a puzzled shopkeeper, when asked whether the cement might be used for rebuilding houses. “People do that?” Gaza City, April 6 – Inhabitants of the coastal strip of territory governed by the Islamist Hamas movement can sort of remember that cement has some purpose other than the construction …
IDF Archivist Can’t Find Procedures For Summary Execution Of Palestinians “It’s nothing less than scandalous that this far into the seven-decade-old ethnic cleansing, no specific manual exists on how soldiers are to execute one of the basic techniques of that project.” Tel Aviv, April 2 – The army clerk in charge of maintaining and accessing the IDF’s official procedure has been unable to locate any …
New IDF Rules Call For 8 Weeks’ Counseling Before Opening Fire Four of the counselors are in Bnei Brak. Tel Aviv, March 28 – In the wake of an incident in which an IDF soldier allegedly shot and killed a Palestinian attacker who had already been incapacitated, the Israeli military has developed new Rules of Engagement to forestall a recurrence, including a mandatory eight weeks of …
Human Rights Watch: Allowing Jews To Defend Selves Would Violate Haman’s Rights “The kingdom has a lot riding on the original Kill the Jews and Take Everything They Have decree.” Susa, Persian Empire, March 22 – The director of a prominent rights organization cautioned against allowing Grand Vizier Haman’s genocidal decree to be contradicted, saying that any impingement on the ability of Haman and his loyalists to …
Putin Finishes Quickly, Ready To Withdraw Putin is unlikely to face resistance domestically from a prostrate opposition. Amdan, Syria, March 17 – Russian President Vladimir Putin surprised most observers Monday with his announcement that he had finished penetrating Syria, and would begin pulling out. Political figures, diplomats, and commentators scrambled to understand, explain, and adjust to the news, which came after an extended …
ISIS May Have Obtained Holy Hand Grenade Of Antioch Experts cautioned that it remains too early to establish that IS even knows how to use the weapon, or would want to. Brussels, March 12 – Military analysts in NATO believe the Islamic State may have gained access to advanced weaponry such as the legendary Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, sources in the region are …
Terrorism Has Man Thinking Palestinian Resistance Might Not Be Peaceful He wonders whether maybe the definition of “peaceful” is not as rigid as he had assumed. Hebron, March 7 – Nearly seventy years of Arab Palestinian violence against Jews in Israel has prompted a local man to think that, perhaps, if all the facts are taken into account, it might appear that such resistance to …
Nasrallah Threatens To Hit Data Facility, Expose Your Browser History Israeli antimissile defense systems are very effective, but no system is perfect. Haifa, March 3 – Israeli defense officials urged calm after Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah threatened to attack data-storage units here with rockets, which would release your browser history to the public, jeopardizing reputations and possibly lives. Ministry of Defense spokesman Incogni Tomod reassured …
Therapist To Help Hamas Men In Collapsed Tunnel Who Feel ‘Trapped’ So far they are still so consumed by their situation. Gaza City, February 28 – The Ministry of Health in the Hamas-run Gaza Strip dispatched social workers and a therapist last night to help treat a group of fighters who were in an underground tunnel when it collapsed, and now complain they feel “trapped.” At …
Despite BDS, Palestinians Still Supplying IDF With Terrorists To Shoot They have only increased their supply to those very security forces of attackers to shoot and imprison. London, February 23 – Activists urging individuals and organizations not to maintain commercial, cultural, or other contact with Israel over its treatment of Palestinians say the Palestinians are still providing Israeli security forces with attackers to shoot, members of the …
Hamas Stockpiling Syria Atrocities To Label ‘Gaza’ In Next War Such repurposing of images has occurred in previous rounds of Hamas-Israel warfare. Gaza City, February 18 – While the militant Islamist organization that runs this coastal territory has not engaged in large-scale hostilities with Israel since the summer of 2014, it remains busy repairing its tunnels, replenishing its arsenal of rockets, and building up its inventory …
Inigo Montoya Advises Palestinians To Attack Using Capoferro ” I know what it’s like to be part of a decades-long blood feud.” Cliffs of Insanity, Guilder Frontier, February 14 – A famed Spanish sword fighter weighed in today on the recent phenomenon of Palestinians perpetrating stabbing attacks on Israelis, and suggested that the assailants might achieve better results if, instead of simply lunging at …
Hamas Executes Man For Implying Gazans Not Their Pawns In his defense the accused claimed one need not read into his statements that he favored the cursed Zionist occupation. Gaza City, February 10 – The militant Islamist organization that runs this beleaguered coastal territory has put to death a resident for saying and writing statements that give the impression that the Gaza Strip’s population …
Hamas Hires Flintstones To Drive New Tank “One of the bedrock assumptions for Hamas must be that in any large-scale conflict with Israel, which has happened with some regularity over the last several years, they’re going to be bombed back to the stone age.” Gaza City, February 2 – The militant Islamist movement that rules the Gaza Strip unveiled yesterday what it called …
Supervillain Concerned Hamas Tunnels Getting Near His Underground Lair “I hope I don’t need to cause anymore tunnel collapses. The one last week was only because they got too close.” 800 meters underground somewhere near Suja’iya, February 1 – A criminal mastermind who maintains a secret facility far below Earth’s surface voiced worry today that continued Hamas digging in the area might expose his clandestine …
Hamas Blames Death Of 7 In Tunnel On Delay Of Waaambulance The trouble that resulted from the delay of the waaambulance resulted in the need for more waaambulances, trapping an ever-widening circle of participants in a self-generated disaster. Jabalia, Gaza Strip, January 27 – Gaza Ministry of Health officials said today that initial reports indicated that the reason as many as 11 Hamas operatives were killed …
Blatt Dismissal A Setback For Zionist Global Domination “Cleveland was the obvious choice of locale for avoiding unwanted attention. It’s the last place anyone thinks of in terms of anything important happening.” Cleveland, January 23 – Officials in Israel’s intelligence and security apparatus voiced concern today that the firing of Cleveland Cavaliers coach David Blatt yesterday put a serious crimp in the nation’s …
High Winds In Gaza As Israel Activates Giant Fans On Border Israel is the default party to blame for all misfortunes prior to corroborating such blame with evidence, if at all. Gaza City, January 18 (AFP) – Dust and air pollution reached much higher levels than normal today after Israel turned on gigantic fans pointed across the border at this coastal territory, local sources are reporting. …
Kerry Urges Israel To Describe Shalit Episode As ‘Positive’ “The torture, mutilation, and massacre of Israeli athletes at the 1972 Munich Olympics could be similarly treated,” he suggested. Washington, January 14 – US Secretary of State John Kerry followed up his characterization of Iran’s capture and release of American servicemen as a “positive” development by recommending to Israel that it use similar terminology in …
Unlike Foes, Israel Stupidly Not Starving Its Enemies “It’s more than a little puzzling that such a potent, proven tactic is simply not part of the Israeli military toolbox,” observed Jordanian General Krosmiya Naqilya. Tel Aviv, January 10 – Defense experts noted with some surprise today the fact that Israel’s military and security apparatus, for some undetermined reason, does not use the deprivation of …
Ecology-Minded Palestinians Send Children To Attack: ‘Renewable’ “It’s about a culture.” Beit F’jar, Palestinian Authority, January 5 – Environmental organizations praised Palestinian leaders today for their use of children and teens in attacks on Israel, noting that the phenomenon indicates the society’s awareness of the importance of using renewable resources. Following this morning’s (Tuesday) stabbing attack by a Palestinian fifteen-year-old on Israelis …
PLO To Kill 1000’s Of Palestinians So Israeli Genocide Looks Real The fact that the killings will be by Palestinians, not Israelis or Jews, he called a technicality. “Israel will be blamed for it in the end in any case.” Ramallah, December 31 – Tired of population statistics not bearing out the oft-repeated charge that Israel is committing genocide against the Palestinians, officials among the various factions of …
Palestinians Petition UNESCO Over Israeli Appropriation Of Terrorism “It poses a serious challenge to the Palestinian sense of unique identity.” Paris, December 28 – Representatives of the Palestinian Authority submitted a formal complaint to the United Nations’ main cultural body today over some extremist Israelis’ use of terrorism, saying the phenomenon constitutes cultural appropriation of what is properly Palestinian behavior. The petition submitted …
Consultant: Stabbers Should Skip Middle Man, Just Shoot Selves “These recommendations are bound to encounter opposition not necessarily on their merits, but simply because they are new.” Jerusalem, December 23 – An efficiency consultant studying Palestinian societal practices issued a report today examining its policies and suggesting changes, including having those who intend to stab Jews avoid the hassle, mess, and expense of an actual attack …
Frustrated By Israeli Restraint, Hamas To Provoke Russia Instead Putin would cause much more destruction and death in Gaza than the Israeli military, if provoked properly. Gaza City, December 16 – Stymied in its efforts to undermine enemy legitimacy by engineering large numbers of civilian casualties, the militant group Hamas is considering shifting its sights from Israel to Russia, a country deemed more likely …
Palestinians Attain Strategic Objective Of Running Over Key Toddler Infan Tissyde, an expert on asymmetrical warfare with Jane’s, said the Palestinians would likely try within a day or two to press the advantage the coup has created. Jerusalem, December 14 – Palestinian leaders voiced gratification Monday evening after a terrorist rammed his car into a bus stop in Jerusalem and injured 14 people, among them …
Study: One More Attack And Jews Will Abandon Whole Zionist Enterprise Jews can be frightened away by the mere thought of a Palestinian youth with a kitchen knife, which is why there are only 6 million of them in Israel. Gaza City, December 8 – A new report by the Palestinian Ministry of Misinfomation points to a surprising development in the decades-long resistance to Israel, whereby …
Mossad Tells Kerry San Bernardino Shooting Also Had “Rationale” “That will help the families and friends cope better with their loss,” said Kerry. Washington, December 3 – In a bid to reassure Secretary of State John Kerry in the wake of the fatal shooting spree in California yesterday, the Israeli intelligence chief told him that there was indeed an understandable rationale for the massacre, mirroring …
Palestinian Electrical Engineering Students Confused By ‘Resistance’ Current, voltage, and conductance reflect nothing of the kind of resistance with which the Palestinian media, leadership, schools, and society have bombarded them since birth. Ramallah, November 29 – Palestinian students encountering the notion of resistance in electrical circuits expressed bewilderment at the absence of knives, explosives, guns, and other weapons in their texts’ treatment …
IDF Weighs Ousting Abbas, Propping Up Different Corrupt Leader Abbas was elected in 2005 after the death of the iconic and similarly corrupt Yasser Arafat, to serve a four-year term, and has held office ever since. Tel Aviv, November 24 – To combat a mounting wave of official incitement to kill Israelis, senior figures in Israel’s defense establishment are considering plans to remove Palestinian …
Obama Says Palestinian Stabbings Also ‘Contained’ “The increasing calm offers hope for Israelis and Palestinians to move past the recent violence and make an effort to restart negotiations.” Washington, November 19 – A week after US President Barack Obama declared the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant “contained,” and two days before the organization’s deadly attacks in Paris, White House …
Report: Islam A Mossad Plot To Make Muslims Look Bad “It’s all but inevitable that people facing such crushing shame will resort to desperately violent, brutal means to negate it.” Cairo, November 15 – Scholars of Levantine history have uncovered evidence that the religion of Islam was developed by medieval Zionists as a way to make Muslims look bad, a new study at Cairo University …