Showing 541–600 of 602 articles · Page 10 of 11
Israel To Allow Snozzcumbers Into Gaza Kerem Shalom, Israel, November 9 – In a further bid to ease conditions for residents of the Gaza Strip, Israel has expanded the list of materials it will allow into the territory to include the snozzcumber, a vegetable with nutritive properties far in excess of that available from typical Gaza produce. Beginning next week, this …
Glick Shooter Posthumously Fired From Begin Center Jerusalem, November 2 – The institution where the shooter of a prominent Jewish activist worked has terminated the man’s employment now that the police have killed him, the Menachem Begin Heritage Center announced today. The Begin Center fired Muataz Hijazi this morning, said the center’s head, Herzl Makov, since being killed was an unacceptable characteristic for an …
Obama Has Suits Altered To Allow More Shrugging At Arab Antisemitism, Terrorism Washington, DC, October 25 – US President Barack Obama has engaged a tailor to make changes to his jackets and shirts that will enable him to shrug more frequently and emphatically when he is informed of Arab attacks on Jews or continuing Jew-hatred in the Arab world. Though in office nearly six years, the president …
‘Babes Of Hamas’ Pinup Calendar Selling Poorly Gaza City, October 19 – An attempt to raise funds for Hamas’s military wing via the sale of a calendar featuring attractive Muslim women has produced poor results, a spokesman for the movement conceded today. The “Babes of Hamas” pinup calendar was intended to support the cash-strapped organization in its efforts to rebuild its arsenal, …
New Tactics Allow Israel Police To Ignore Multiple Threats At Once Jerusalem, October 13 – Few police forces must consistently straddle the line between civilian law enforcement and defense against external terrorist threats as Israel’s does, challenging them to develop methods to effectively avoid all potential incidents taking place at a given time. In addition to the typical police work involving local beats, domestic incidents, forensic …
Budget Concerns Prompt IDF To Put Ads On Sides Of Tanks Ramat Hasharon, Israel, October 6 – Tensions over a proposed increase in military spending as part of the 2015 government budget have forced the Ministry of Defense and Israel Defense Force to seek revenue outside the standard military budget, leading them to offer ad space on the sides of armored vehicles. Lower-than-anticipated tax revenues and …
Lacking Mannequins, Hamas EMT Trainees To Shoot People, Treat Them Gaza City, September 30 – The bevy of supply restrictions facing residents of this coastal territory has taken their toll on various civil services, including paramedics, who, in the absence of dummies, must now resort to injuring people in order to gain training for treating those injuries. Egypt and Israel control the border crossings to …
IDF To Follow NY/NJ Model For Making Tunnels Impassable Tel Aviv, September 20 – The congestion and delays inherent in the system of tunnels connecting Manhattan with New Jersey and the outer boros of New York lies at the center of a new Israeli strategy for neutralizing the threat of underground infiltrations from the Gaza Strip, IDF sources reported today. During the recent round of …
Unit 8200: IDF To Cancel Disobedience Training Tel Aviv, September 14 – A letter from a group of disgruntled intelligence corps reservists refusing further participation in duties that they claim treat Palestinians with unnecessary harshness has prompted a public outcry and caused the Israeli military to call off a highly touted training course in insubordination. More than 40 reserve soldiers who serve …
Terrorism Convicts To Be Sentenced To Moderate YouTube Comments Jerusalem, September 7 – Israel’s High Court of Justice approved a draft law intended to impose harsher penalties on defendants convicted of terrorist activity, a bill that would condemn them to moderating the insipid, ignorant, spammy, or downright incomprehensible comments that appear with almost every video on You Tube. By agreement with Google, which owns …
UN-Approved Targeting System For IDF Just Turns Off Tel Aviv, September 1 – Casualty figures from the latest round of violence between Hamas and Israel have led the United Nations to impose oversight on Israeli military targeting systems, requiring the latter to have a feature that whenever it detects a potential target for the weapon, it shuts the system down. UN representatives from …
‘Unpopular Front For Liberation Of Palestine’ Not Causing Trouble Tel Aviv, August 26 – Officials in Israel’s security apparatus are noting that in the ongoing conflict with Palestinian terrorist groups in the Gaza Strip, the Unpopular Front for the Liberation of Palestine has been silent. While Hamas, Islamic Jihad, and other militant groups have featured to varying degrees in the fighting, the Unpopular Front …
Hamas: Rocket Off Tel Aviv Coast Targeted Sea-Dwelling Jews Gaza City, Gaza Strip, August 20 – A Fajr-5 missile struck the Mediterranean Sea off Tel Aviv today, in an attack Hamas says was aimed at Jews living in the water. It is but the latest move by the militant organization to strike terror in the hearts of Israelis. In the rocket salvo, one exploded …
On Iraq, Obama Vows To Restore American Weakness Washington, DC, August 16 – President Obama took the case for a limited strike against ISIS targets to Congress this week, arguing that a contentious, politically fraught process an and uncertain outcome were the only way to ensure that no matter what the result, the US would emerge with a diminished standing. In an address …
Unused Grad Rocket Feeling Left Out, Inadequate Gaza City, August 15 – GL-5678832, a Chinese- made Grad missile, is the only unit in its lot of 32 missiles to remain unused in the recent Hamas-Israel conflict, and is questioning its self-worth. “I don’t know what they think is wrong with me,” it said. “I passed Quality Control. I’ve been properly assembled. Somebody …
Call For Genocide A Metaphor, Says Man Trying To Kill As Many Jews As Possible Gaza City, August 14 – Claiming that the flowery Middle Eastern rhetoric of his organization has been misunderstood, Qassam Brigades commander Muhammad Dieff, who spearheads Hamas’s efforts to wipe Jews off the map, told reporters that the language of his group’s charter calling for the extermination of Jews should not be taken literally. “You must …
Hamas Offers Compromise Of Only Attempting Genocide 5 Days A Week Cairo, Egypt, August 11 – Talks between the Islamic movement Hamas and Israel’s Egyptian proxies continued today as Hamas offered to back down from its demand that destruction of Israel and its Jews take place perpetually, instead proposing that the genocide take place only Monday through Friday every week. Negotiators for Israel and Palestinians met …
Study: More Photographs Of Bigfoot Than Of Hamas Fighters Washington, August 4 – Enthusiasts who follow the search for creatures such as Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster are considering adding Hamas fighters to their list of creatures to find, since there appears to be no evidence in media reports from the Gaza Strip that such beings in fact exist. Cryptozoologists – whose field …
UN Slams Israel For Intercepting Rockets During Ceasefire New York, July 28 – After Israel announced it will abide by the terms of a US-proposed halt to a three-week-old Israeli offensive against Hamas in the Gaza Strip, the United Nations Security Council denounced the Jewish State for nevertheless continuing to shoot down Hamas rockets aimed at Israeli communities. The US and Britain also …
Nations To Codify Special Laws Of War For Israel A new regulation proposed by Britain will have attached to every IDF ground battalion at least four anti-Israel journalists.
Environmentalists Slam Israel’s ‘Profligate Use Of Paper’ Warning Civilians Tel Aviv, July 17 – Representatives of several ecologically-minded organizations leveled criticism at Israel’s conduct of Operation Protective Edge today upon discovering that the IDF has been dropping thousands of leaflets to warn Gazans of impending airstrikes. They called the policy “abhorrent,” saying that such a wasteful use of paper betrays a callous, if not …
Brave Hamas Fighters Courageously Hiding Among Children Khan Yunis, Gaza Strip, July 12 – In what military experts around the world are calling a bold, gutsy strategy, militants of the Hamas movement in the Gaza Strip are bravely taking the risk of positioning themselves among noncombatants, despite the risk that as a result Israel might not attack them for fear of harming …
Gaza Strip Dangerously Low on Fake Blood, Agency Warns Originally posted November 2012 Gaza City, Gaza Strip – The Palestinian Red Crescent Society has warned that the coastal strip’s supply of fake human blood is close to depleted, and that as a result Hamas must increasingly resort to other forms of media manipulation in the ongoing battle for public perception with Israel. “Just last …
IDF Thanks Murderers of Arab Teen For Making Their Job SO Much Easier Tel Aviv, July 6 – Senior commanders of the Israel Defense Force and officials at the Ministry of Defense expressed their gratitutde today to whoever burned an Arab teenager to death last week, saying that thanks to the killing, they will only have to work five times as hard to keep Israel safe. Muhammad Abu …
PA Police To Increase Cooperation By Making Sad Faces At Israeli Losses Ramallah, July 2 – Palestinian security forces intend to increase their coordination with Israel on preventive security in the aftermath of the abduction and murder of three Israeli teenagers, by feigning sympathy for Israelis when such incidents occur. On Tuesday evening Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas directed the heads of the various security agencies he …
UN Concerned Hamas Terror Tunnels Not Up To Safety Standards Geneva, June 28 – The United Nations Human Rights Council expressed misgivings today about the network of tunnels and underground bunkers constructed by Hamas in the Gaza Strip and elsewhere, noting that it is unlikely that the structures meet the requirements that would help guarantee the safety of the people using them. The Council heard …
Israel To Install Revolving Doors On Prisons Ofer Prison, North of Jerusalem, June 21 – Jailers at this military facility are preparing to replace the high-security gates and doors under their control with a set of revolving doors, which will better suit the government’s recent policy of arresting, incarcerating, releasing, and eventually rearresting the same terrorism activists. Door Le Door, a manufacturer …
Obama: Don’t Let Hostages Die Until I Have Chance To Betray Them Washington, DC, June 16 – US President Barack Obama called Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu today to ask them to hold off on measures to secure the release of three Israeli teenagers kidnapped by Palestinians until Obama himself can be instrumental in dooming them. In the aftermath of the Obama …
Gaza Residents Ask Israel To Help Build Shelters Against Hamas Rockets “They might be imperialist pig-dogs, but they know how to handle rocket defense.” Khan Yunis, Gaza Strip, June 9 – Sallah Odeh grew tired of Hamas rockets falling short of Israel and hitting his neighborhood, so he tried to build a small bomb shelter. Hamas representatives came by and confiscated the materials, saying they were …
Attackers Of Israel Still Trying To Get BBC’s Attention Jenin, June 3 – Palestinian gunmen and would-be suicide bombers expressed their frustration today at the British Broadcasting Corporation, which appears to be ignoring every single one of their recent attempts to attack Israelis with lethal force. The BBC has not reported any of the rockets launched into Israel from the Gaza Strip in the …
Terror Suspect Broken By Talk On Difference Between Rabba, Rava Ofer Prison, near Jerusalem, May 28 – Hamed Abu Ris, 22, burst forth in a flood of incriminating information this morning after being forced to sit through an explanation of the differences between similarly named Talmudic figures. Abu Ris, a suspected member of the terrorist organization Hamas, was detained Sunday in a raid on a …
New Palestinian Protester Prototype Does Not Bleed When Shot Beituniya, May 23 – Analysis of the video footage surrounding the apparent shooting death of a Palestinian youth last week has military experts concluding that the Palestinians have developed a new type of protester, one that emits no blood even when its exterior is pierced. If accurate, this assessment reflects a major technological innovation, as …
Defense Ministry Slashes Toilet Training Budget Tel Aviv, May 20 – Cuts in allocation from the Ministry of Finance have forced the Ministry of Defense to trim some of its programs, and among the first to go down the drain is the toilet training regime of the IDF. Long a regular component of the treatment soldiers receive upon entering service, the …
To Assuage Human Rights Groups, IDF To Switch To NERF Bullets Tel Aviv, May 13 – After a comprehensive review, the Israel Defense Force has identified several areas in which it can do more to avoid violating the rights of Palestinian demonstrators, PreOccupied Territory has learned, including the use of NERF™ projectiles against rock-throwing youth. The IDF faces violent groups of Palestinians almost daily across Judea and …
Obama’s Swelled Head Hinders Hiding It In Sand On Iran, Hamas Washington, May 6 – The Obama administration has been attempting to hide its head in the sand regarding the threats posed by Iran’s nuclear ambitions and by Palestinian militants, but the sheer size of the president’s ego-inflated cranium has made finding a sufficient quantity of sand unlikely. With the help of Secretary of State John …
Ministry Of Defense To Remove Giant Bull’s Eye From Building Roof Tel Aviv, April 28 – The director-general of Israel’s Ministry of Defense announced this morning that the large target painted on the roof of the ministry complex would be painted over, in keeping with a new directive to bring the decor of the ministry’s facilities into line with the ministry’s mission. Dan Harel told reporters …
IDF Considering Drone Strikes On Vegans Tel Aviv, April 21 – Faced with unprecedented levels of smugness that interferes with operations, the Israel Defense Forces have developed plans to remotely eliminate vegans, the source of 95% of that smugness. A recent threat analysis commissioned by the Israeli military pointed to rising self-righteousness in the local environment that would likely complicate the …
UNIFIL To Recruit Pro Wrestling Referees Geneva, April 14 – The United Nations International Force In Lebanon, whose mandate calls for monitoring the Israel-Lebanon border, has announced that it will begin to target specific populations to recruit, groups that have demonstrated the same level of impartial incompetence that UNIFIL has made famous. The first group, according to the announcement, will be …
Study: Possible To Mention Gaza Rocket Fire Not In Context Of IDF Retaliation Experts are divided on whether the study will have any impact on the way reporting is conducted. New York, April 4 – A new analysis of data suggests that it is possible for a reporter to mention that Palestinians have fired rockets at Israeli communities without first reporting that Israel has hit the Gaza Strip …
Israel Under Fire For Not Letting Itself Be Under More Fire Gaza Strip, March 29 – Following the interdiction of an attempt to smuggle explosives or other weapons into the Gaza Strip via the Mediterranean, human rights organizations, Palestinians, and European government figures are accusing the Jewish state of refusing to accede to attempts to harm its people. Israel fired on a vessel transporting arms from …
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UN: Who Says Gaza Kidnapping Tunnel To Be Used For Kidnapping? New York, March 22 – The United Nations Security Council reacted this morning with dismay to Israeli efforts to destroy a tunnel from the Gaza Strip, denouncing Israel for collectively punishing Gaza residents by denying all of them the ability to sneak into Israel and sow destruction or kidnap soldiers. “We condemn Israeli measures that …
Palestinians Upset IDF Gaza Action Caused No Civilian Casualties Gaza City, Gaza Strip, March 13 – Leaders of various Palestinian factions are expressing their dismay today that Israel’s retaliation for rocket fire from the Gaza Strip did not kill any noncombatants. Israel attacked and killed the crew of a rocket launcher earlier this week as the crew was preparing to launch the weapon at …
Rockets Evidently Desperate To Escape Gaza Strip Eshkol Regional Council, Israel, March 13 – The dozens of rockets launched from the Gaza Strip since yesterday have told PreOccupiedTerritory that they are trying to escape the clutches of Gaza militants. More than 60 rockets have attempted to escape the Gaza Strip since Wednesday afternoon. The Kassams, as they are known, have grown so …
Car Bomber Thwarted By Manual Transmission Jenin, March 9 – A Palestinian man was killed this morning while attempting to attack Israelis with a car bomb, but was unable to drive the vehicle to his selected location. The vehicle he had been provided was a stick-shift transmission and he had only learned to drive automatic. The bomb exploded short of his …
Cruel Israeli Commandos Intercept Poor, Defenseless Missiles Red Sea, March 6 – A cargo of M-302 missiles originating in Syria and intended for recipients in the Gaza Strip was set upon by Israeli naval commandos yesterday, who rudely took over the vessel they were on and deprived the rockets, which had never hurt anyone, of the chance to complete their journey. The …
Obama Avoiding Israeli Eye Contact As Impotence On Ukraine Showcased Washington, DC, March 2 – As Russian troops flood into the Crimea region of Ukraine with a less-than-impressive American response, US President Barack Obama is trying not to look any Israelis in the eye lest they ask him what guarantees he can offer to assuage their concerns over security after their withdrawal from strategic areas. …
Palestinian Protesters To Upgrade To Rocks 2.0 Ramallah, Palestinian Territories – After more than two decades of relying primarily on the simple, handheld “rock” device to register displeasure with Israeli military rule, West Bank Palestinians plan to bring more sophisticated weapons to bear. Rock 2.0 is expected to enter service in late 2014. The first Palestinian Intifada, or uprising, against Israeli occupation …
Iran Insists Its Ballistic Missiles Are for ‘Peaceful Purposes’ Tehran, February 18 – The Islamic Republic of Iran defended its pursuit of long-range ballistic missile technology, calling the endeavor a peaceful one, and criticized continued Western economic pressure on Iran aimed at stopping the program. President of Iran Hassan Rouhani lashed out at the US in particular, citing American “hypocrisy” at allowing its ally …
Israel to Preemptively Strike Iran with Gay-Bomb Jerusalem, February 13 – Logistical moves in Israel’s military point to preparations for a “gay” assault on Iran, according to reports obtained by PreOccupied Territory. The preparations come amid heightened tension over Iran’s nuclear capabilities and intentions, as well as its call for destruction of the Jewish State. The reports, citing unnamed officials in Israel’s …
BBC Correspondent Apologizes For Omitting Anti-Israel Bias London, February 9 – Veteran British Broadcasting Corporation reporter Peter Philips said today that he regretted reporting matter-of-factly on an attack by Palestinians against an Israeli motorist, and promised that he will redouble his efforts to always include something negative about Israel. In a news item last week, Philips was seen narrating a segment about …
We Won’t Throw Israel Under The Bus Till We Get A Bigger Bus By Barack Obama I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we have your back, Israel. If you ever want to see it again, do as I say. There’s been all sorts of talk of my administration throwing Israel under the the bus. Well, that’s just nonsense. At least until we get a bigger bus. …
Palestinians To Redefine ‘Non-Violence’ To Include Explosives, Knives The world has long since become used to the idea of euphemistically named programs to kill Jews: the Final Solution; Intifada; Resistance to the Occupation. Ramallah, West Bank, January 26 – Seeking to bolster his standing among Palestinians and wary of popularity gains by the rival Hamas faction, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas today issued …
Hamas Entrance Exam 
Despite 7-Hour Talk, Kerry Fails To Convince Netanyahu His Chin Is Real Rome, Italy (AP) – US Secretary of State John Kerry spent most of yesterday afternoon and evening attempting to persuade Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu that the secretary’s chin was not fake, but reportedly did not succeed, sources present at the meeting say. The session in the Italian capital was originally slated for discussion of …
New York (AP) – The world was treated for a pulled jaw muscle today after yawning at the car bombing in a Beirut suburb yesterday. Doctors at New York’s Bellevue Hospital reported that that patient was admitted to the ER, treated, and released. A powerful explosion caused extensive damage and killed five passers by on …
Jerusalem (AP) – A spokesman for Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu today lamented Israel’s execution of Holocaust mastermind Adolf Eichmann in 1962, noting that the architect of the Final Solution could have been released with other killers of Jews this evening. 26 Palestinians imprisoned for the murders of Israelis in terrorism attacks over the last …
Kiryat Shmonah, Israel, December 29 (AP) – One of five rockets fired from Lebanon hit near this northern Israeli town today, and the IDF responded fiercely with dozens of artillery shells aimed at empty fields, rocky hillsides, and unpopulated cedar groves. The impressive display of deterrence came amid heightened tensions along the border, where an …
Jerusalem, Israel (AP) – After several fruitless weeks of back-and-forth negotiations over so-called Final Status issues over which Israelis and Palestinians differ, the delegates to the talks have decided to abandon the effort and watch The Princess Bride repeatedly instead. The talks, conducted in secret, have apparently yielded no results yet on questions of: Palestinian refugees; the …
Washington, DC (AP) – President Obama has instructed the State Department to end its four-year-old attempt to convince Israelis to resolve the ongoing conflict with the Palestinians and other Arab nations by voluntarily drowning themselves in the Mediterranean Sea. The decision was greeted with disappointment by representatives of Turkey, Egypt, Jordan, and the Palestinian Authority. …