Showing 481–540 of 602 articles · Page 9 of 11
Israel Photophopping Heads Onto Brainless Palestinian Assailants “Israel is calling these events planned, but someone with no head, and therefore no brain, is incapable of premeditated action,” said Amnesty International researcher Jacob T. Burns. Hebron, November 9 – Palestinians claim Israel is tampering with the evidence regarding the people shot by security forces for stabbing attacks, saying that Israel is doctoring photographs and video …
Israel Repairing Fictitious Dams To Open On Gaza Again The IDF unit responsible for maintaining the pretend dams is the same one that controls the world banking system. Zikkim, Israel, November 4 – Following last year’s success in flooding the Gaza Strip during torrential rain by opening nonexistent dams in the south of Israel, the Home Front Command is in the throes of an effort …
Palestinian Researchers: Knives Can Also Be Used For Cutting Food The results of the study will appear in the upcoming issue of the journal Scientific Testing And Beyond (STAB). Hebron, October 28 – Scientists at Ramallah’s Bir Zeit University have made a surprising revelation, discovering this week that the stabbing implement known as the knife can potentially be used to cut food, and perhaps other …
Netanyahu Unveils “I’m Being Stabbed” App By January a companion app called I’m Being Firebombed will launch, to serve users under attack with Molotov cocktails. Jerusalem, October 26 – At a meeting of the Foreign Relations and Defense Committee today, Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu told attendees of the development of a new smartphone application that will allow users to announce to the …
Palestinians To Stop Fighting Once Jews Stop Settling Earth Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said that he and his people genuinely seek peace, and are only resisting the Jewish presence in places they do not belong, such as Earth. Ramallah, October 21 – Palestinian leaders continued to support the popular uprising that has claimed dozens of Israeli and Palestinian lives in recent weeks, saying that …
Hamas To Stab Gaza Children, Blame Israel, In Solidarity With W. Bank The new policy will test whether Agence France-Presse, AP, CNN, the BBC, The Guardian, The New York Times, and other media outlets continue to uncritically parrot Palestinian claims of Israeli brutality and culpability even when the killings are committed by Palestinians. Khan Yunis, October 14 – Unable to participate directly in the current wave of …
Study: Arabs Who Stab Jews Might Not Be Interested In Coexistence A similar study earlier this year found that Palestinian youths holed up inside Al-Aqsa Mosque with fireworks, firebombs, and rocks to hurl at Israeli police and tourists were seventeen times as likely to express a negative opinion of Jews. Nazareth, October 12 – A scientific survey has found indications that Arabs who attack Jews by attempting …
Abbas Appeals For Calm, More Killing “Violence is not our way,” stressed Abbas. “Now go forth and defend Jerusalem with all your might, for every drop of blood spilled there is sacred!” Ramallah, October 7 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas attempted to reduce tensions with Israel today after more than a week of deadly violence, calling on his people to halt …
Obama Rescinds Claim Of Responsibility For Henkin Murders The administration can safely return to the diplomatic de rigueur of condemning violence by “both sides” and calling on “both sides” to exercise restraint. Washington, October 2 – US President Barack Obama walked back earlier comments today, saying that he did not intend to claim credit for the terrorist attack last night that killed two …
Mossad Unconcerned People Might Catch On To Hajj-Stampede Device Neither official Saudi media nor local observers appear to have caught on that the Mossad is behind the stampede, as part of a broader campaign to sow disaster and instability in the region. Mecca, September 24 – Israeli intelligence operatives expressed confidence today that even after repeated incidents involving hundreds of fatalities in stampedes surrounding …
Citing Gaza, Media To Call Iran Nukes ‘Crude,’ ‘Homemade’ Hamas and Palestinian Islamic Jihad have received arms and funding from Iran, so the similar treatment is doubly suitable. New York, September 17 – Media outlets expecting to report on the development of Iranian atomic weapons will adopt the same dismissive terminology that they used in minimizing the threat to Israel and impact of rockets …
Hamas-Hezbollah Rockets Programmed To Avoid Leftists “Physical passages are not the only way to tunnel into the enemy’s rear.” Bekaa Valley, Lebanon, September 8 – While mired in a punishing conflict inside Syria, Lebanon’s Shiite militia Hezbollah has been keeping an eye on its neighbor to the south and developing technologies and tactics in preparation for any war with Israel. Those efforts …
Soldier Bitten By Palestinian Girl Now Accused Of Ruining Her Teeth Amnesty International challenged the necessity and legality of the soldier’s action when the clear alternative of having the girl bite a softer, less damaging body part was so readily available. Nabi Saleh, September 3 – The man whose teenage daughter was filmed biting an Israeli soldier who tried to arrest her brother for throwing stones, says …
Breaking The Silence Publishes Mossad Testimonies “The shark attacks in Egypt in 2010? That really was us.” Israeli NGO Breaking the Silence has a released a new report containing revelations by Mossad agents that they were behind a number of secret operations for which Israel was correctly blamed, most recently with the Hamas capture of a Mossad Spy-Dolphin. Breaking the Silence typically exploits Israeli …
Mossad Also Recruiting Octuple-Agent Octopuses The creatures allegedly feign combat operations against Israeli targets while in fact conducting espionage for the Mossad and Israeli military intelligence. Kissufim, Israel, August 25 – The recent reports of Hamas capturing a dolphin that had been trained and equipped by Israel to conduct espionage, and possibly sabotage, has opened a window into the secretive …
Country Told To Wait Home 10AM-5PM For Iron Dome Delivery “Somebody has to be there to sign for it,” said delivery man Rosh Katann. Ashdod, August 20 – In anticipation of rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, the IDF has said it will deploy an Iron Dome antimissile battery to protect the area of this port city, and that the country must stay home between …
IDF Almost Done Testing Airplane Vanishing Device “We are less than a year away from being able to cause a system failure in almost any civilian aircraft, and a good number of airborne military systems.” Tel Nof Air Force Base, August 16 – Senior commanders in the Israel Air Force are expressing satisfaction at the progress of the IDF’s development of an …
Palestinians Praised For Recycling Bottles As Molotov Cocktails “Now we can say that the Palestinian cause is supported by none other than the prestigious environmental organization Greenpeace. Amsterdam, August 11 – A leading environmental organization lauded Palestinian groups today for promoting ecologically sensitive policies by repurposing used bottles to be used as homemade firebombs aimed at Israelis. Greenpeace International awarded Hamas and Fatah …
Mideast Heat Wave The Result Of Secret Israeli Nuclear Strikes On Iran Iran is likely to intensify its support and encouragement of Hezbollah, possibly even to the point of another Lebanon war. Baghdad, August 6 – Scorching temperatures across the Middle East for the last week are coming from a series of Israeli strikes on Iranian nuclear facilities, intelligence sources revealed Thursday. Unusually high temperatures, often reaching …
IDF Nixes ‘Palestinians Are Gay – Stab Them’ Haredi Recruitment Drive Draft office personnel were unable to explain the sudden reversal. Tel Aviv, August 3 – The Israeli military today canceled a nascent publicity program to increase recruitment among ultra-orthodox that would have appealed to the demographic’s perceived desire to kill homosexuals, portraying the country’s enemies as dangerously gay. No reason was given for the cancellation. Following last week’s …
ICC Caps Statute Of Limitations On Palestinian War Crimes At 24 Hours “The international community, which we represent, as a rule reaches a guilty verdict more or less immediately when Israeli actions are involved, so the Court deemed it appropriate to set a similar time frame for allegations of analogous Palestinian misdeeds.” The Hague, July 29 – The International Criminal Court continued to devote attention to the Israeli-Palestinian …
Probe Reveals UNRWA A Front To Harvest Blood For IDF UNRWA officials have denied the validity of the claims, but first looked at a mysterious man in the back of the room, as if waiting for instructions. Gaza City, July 23 – An investigation of one of the world’s foremost refugee organizations has discovered that instead of making the care and proper resettlement of refugees …
2015 Class Of Palestinian Child Soldiers Looking Promising “I will kill every Zionist pig I see, and liberate my land with blood and fire,” he added, his voice cracking, whether from emotion or puberty. Gaza City, July 20 – Ghasseb Hatib hopes to be drafted in one of the first few rounds when Hamas and other Islamist militant organizations begin their recruitment this …
Mossad Satisfied At World Distracted By So-Called ‘Pluto’ The several bona fide astronauts who have gone to outer space have all been Israeli agents performing maintenance on the machines that control what the rest of humanity sees when they look at the so-called sky. Laurel, Maryland, July 15 – Israeli intelligence and secret operations officials expressed gratification today at the outcome of their …
IDF To Disable Enemy Communications By Imposing Cellcom Service It will frustrate enemy troops and commanders with its inconsistent and unreliable network coverage. Tel Aviv, July 12 – Israeli military engineers have developed a way to cripple enemy communications by forcing all wireless traffic to use the Cellcom network, a defense publication reported today. Jane’s Analysis of Mideast Military Engineering Developments (JAMMED) features in …
UN: Israel Must Give Iron Dome To Gaza For Rockets That Fall Short An earlier draft of the statement called on Israel to provide an even greater level of military assistance to the Gaza Strip. Geneva, July 6 – The United Nations Human Rights Council followed up its endorsement of the Davis Commission’s report on the 2014 Gaza conflict by telling Israel today that it must provide the …
UN: Israeli Missile Alert System Exempts Hamas From Warning Civilians “It was not quite sufficient to interpret mocking, threatening Hamas video clips as warnings, so the Council felt compelled to shore up the idea that Hamas warned Israeli civilians with this finding.” Geneva, July 1 – The United Nations Human Rights Council issued a report today in which it ruled that rocket launches from Gaza …
Next UN Probe Of Israel To Save Time By Just Reprinting Der Stürmer “All we had to do to achieve the same result was take the existing Nazi, er, literature and adapt it to the Gaza context. Would have taken half the time.” Geneva, June 24 – The research team that released a report of its investigation into Israeli and Palestinian combat conduct during last summer’s war in and …
Abbas Confused By ICC Attention To Country Other Than Israel “Whose side do they think they’re on?” Ramallah, June 15 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas voiced bewilderment today at the tension over South Africa’s possible arrest of Sudan President Omar al-Bashir at the behest of the International Criminal Court, saying he was unaware that the ICC was authorized to pursue accused war criminals who are not Israeli. …
Siege Forcing Gazans To Reuse Antisemitic Epithets “It can be hard for people outside Gaza to appreciate the harshness of these conditions,” said Gunness. Gaza City, June 8 – The ongoing Israeli and Egyptian blockade of this coastal territory has strained local availability of new anti-Jewish insults, all but compelling Gaza residents to use the same slurs again and again, relief agency …
Reward Offered For Nouns Palestinians Have Not Weaponized “Most, if not all, of the non-weaponized nouns were no longer current by the ninenteenth century,” said researcher Aiosi Fifa. Tel Aviv, June 1 – Researchers at the Institute of Language are seeking the public’s help in finding concepts and objects that have not been been exploited by Palestinians and their supporters for use against …
IDF Cadet Can’t Believe Everyone Wore Same Outfit To Basic Training “It’s hard for me to grasp how absolutely everyone in this unit made the same exact fashion choice.” Nitzanim, May 21 – New recruit 18-year-old Ori Harari expressed dismay and shock that everyone in his unit seems to have worn identical clothes to boot camp, local sources reported Thursday. Harari and his fellow cadets are …
IAF Now Just Trolling Sudan With Fake Explosions The officer declined to give specifics on how the IAF would accomplish its task, but some experts pointed to strong evidence that Israel had developed mass mind-control techniques. Khartoum, May 15 – Hysteria surrounding repeated rumors and reports of explosions resulting from alleged Israeli air attacks on Sudanese facilities have prompted the Israel Air Force to …
IDF Imposes Comfort Zone Around Gaza “Coupled with the fatalism that life in Gaza under Hamas generates, this is a natural proving ground for the use of a comfort zone.” Kibbutz Nirim, Israel, May 6 – Israeli efforts to prevent the infiltration of Palestinian fighters from the Gaza Strip intensified Wednesday with the creation of a comfort zone surrounding the coastal …
IDF Declares Cover-Up Of Earthquake Device A Success The earthquake was probably deemed necessary to distract from Zionist and Jewish conspiratorial efforts to seize control of certain vital natural resources elsewhere in the world. Kathmandu, Nepal, April 30 – Commanders of the ostensibly medical IDF mission to Nepal in the aftermath of last week’s catastrophic earthquake report success in their efforts to conceal …
Israel Denying Armed Infiltrators Freedom Of Movement Israel violates the right to freedom of movement of people attempting to move their valuable ammunition and weaponry out of troubled areas such as the Gaza Strip, Syria, and Lebanon. Ein Zivan, Golan Heights, April 28 – Israel continued this week to restrict the freedom of movement of armed people trying to enter its territory, human rights groups …
Obama Vows ‘Ironclad’ Support Of Israel If Israel Destroyed By Iran Israeli officials had no direct comment on the matter, as none were invited to the meeting. Washington, April 21 – President Barack Obama sought to reassure Israel and its allies in the US that an impending deal with Iran over the latter’s nuclear ambitions would not compromise his commitment to backing the Jewish State if …
Hamas Upgrading Human Dome Defense System Hamas retains a sizable pool of humans with which to equip its low-tech system. Gaza City, April 14 – Military observers are reporting that Hamas, the militant Islamist movement that runs the Gaza Strip, appears to be rebuilding and improving its Human Dome system in the wake of a punishing war with Israel last summer. Human …
Iran Using Your Mom’s Dense Matza Balls To Protect Centrifuges If they can pull this off, the Islamic Republic will be sitting pretty, knowing they can protect sensitive facilities from almost any foreign airborne threat. Tehran, April 5 – Israeli military intelligence officials cited reports today that Iran is attempting to shield its uranium-enrichment centrifuges from attack by surrounding them with one of the heaviest, …
15-Year-Old Hopes He’s Not Too Old To Fight For Hamas “I doubt they’d accept me. There are just too many younger guys out there – I’m basically over the hill as far as Hamas is concerned.” Rafah, Gaza Strip, March 28 – Yusuf Hijazi looks at the towering wall between the Gaza Strip and Egypt, and wonders whether he, too, might be blocked from achieving …
IDF To Dismantle Settler Outpost ‘Tel Aviv’ “This settlement has long attracted radicals, but we are prepared to deal with that,” said Egoz Battalion commander Major Aryush Itinmi. Jaffa, March 21 – The Israel Defense Force announced this morning (Saturday) it had received approval from the Ministry of Defense to begin removing the structures and residents from Tel Aviv, a Jewish settler …
UN OKs Hamas Refusal To Wear Uniforms In Combat: ‘They Itch’ No such flexibility in defining permissible combat operations should be afforded Israel, the Council warned. Geneva, March 11 – The United Nations Human Rights Council issued an interim directive today to the commission investigating possible war crimes during the Israel-Hamas conflict this past summer, instructing the team to make certain allowances in Hamas’s favor when determining whether the …
Israel Sending Deadly Electricity Through Gaza Power Lines The Israel Electric Corporation has begun to demand compensation for electricity sent into Palestinian areas, indicating the misgivings that Israelis feel over it. Gaza City, March 4 – The residents of this crowded city live under the constant stream of potentially fatal currents overhead, as Israel streams more than 120 megawatts of electric power into …
Israel Quickly Hides Dams To Undermine Gaza Flood Claims It was in fact they, not Palestinians or journalists, who began spreading the older photos, in order to generate credibility for the “slander” angle. Nahal Oz, Israel, February 24 – Israel Defense Force engineers are working intensively to conceal a series of dams that were opened in order to flood the Gaza Strip with rainwater, …
Hamas Outraged At Duplicate Fake Names Among Gaza Casualties “Tell me, how credible do you think we’re going to remain if Mr. Salaambam Thankyumam appears multiple times on these lists?” he challenged. Gaza City, February 18 – Officials at the Ministry of Health expressed anger today that the compilers of casualty figures from this past summer’s war with Israel sloppily included multiple instances of …
Abbas Sorry It Took Israeli Child 2 Years To Die After Rock Attack “If more effective and efficient methods and equipment were available, we would not still be here two years later discussing this death, and that is regrettable.” Ramallah, February 18 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas expressed regret today over the death of Israeli four-year-old Adele Bitton, saying she should have died right away instead of languishing …
Obama Offers Iran Sudetenland “Chamberlain was able to achieve what he called ‘peace in our time’ by offering Germany the Sudetenland region in exchange for a declared end to further territorial ambitions in Europe. There’s no reason it can’t work again, this time with Iran, to much the same result.” Tehran, February 11 – Iranian officials have yet to …
IDF Cheerleader Unit Complains Of Sexism “Contrary to what movies, TV programs, comic books, and video games might indicate, armor that leaves everything but a few choice points of female anatomy uncovered actually endangers the wearer,” read the complaint. Tzeelim Base, Negev Desert, February 5 – As the country’s police force grapples with a crippling number of senior commanders investigated of …
After Jerusalem Trains, Concrete Blocks On Tel Aviv Buses Tel Aviv, January 29 – The apparent success in warding off automotive terrorist attacks on passengers by placing massive concrete blocks at Jerusalem light rail stations has prompted the Tel Aviv municipality to take similar measures to prevent terrorism on buses, following the stabbing spree last week on a local Tel Aviv line. Beginning Sunday, …
Palestinians Form Elite Unit To Cry For Foreign Cameras The first group of alumni is scheduled to perform for a compliant video crew from the BBC next week Hebron, January 21 – After an embarrassing incident in which a woman was caught on camera being coached to cry just so when Western media personnel were present, the Palestine Liberation Organization has established a crack unit …
Palestinians Renew Membership In Court Of Public Opinion Ramallah, January 15 – Following a highly showcased move of joining the International Criminal Court, the proto-state of Palestine renewed its membership in the Court of Public Opinion a judiciary body much more accepting of the Palestinian position on multiple important issues. Renewal represents a crucial step in pressuring Israel over its military activity. Palestine …
IDF Using Powdered Palestinian Children To Melt Snow Eli Settlement, Occupied West Bank, January 9 – Israeli military technology has now been applied to the thorny problem of snow and ice blocking roads, in the form of a new method that rapidly clears the routes to and from West Bank settlements by using powdered Palestinian children. Low-flying aircraft and several types of dispenser trucks …
Hamas Cancels Online Order After Misunderstanding ‘Blow-Up Dolls’ Gaza City, January 2 – The Islamist movement that controls the Gaza Strip urgently sought to undo an order it placed with an online vendor after discovering that the blow-up toys in the order were in fact inflatable, and not explosive. Izzedine-el-Kassam Brigades purchasing coordinator Ayma Ful purchased hundreds of blow-up dolls via an online business operating …
Hamas To Execute Gravity For Collaboration With Israel Gaza City, December 27 – The Hamas movement that governs the Gaza Strip has sentenced gravity to death, after the force of nature was convicted of providing assistance to Israel in its recent Protective Edge operation against the Gaza Strip, and in numerous Israeli assassinations of Islamic militants. All appeals have been exhausted, says gravity’s lawyer, …
Report: Abu Ein Murdered By Telekinetic Israeli Soldiers Ramallah, December 19 – Palestinian minister Ziad Abu Ein was apparently murdered by telekinetic Zionist soldiers, according to a forensic report issued today (see accompanying photo). “Freak telekinetic Jews are directly responsible for the death of Abu Ein,” said Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas. “The world must stop this scourge.” The incident took place on the …
Hamas Unveils New Rocket, Apologizes For Breach Of Modesty Khan Yunis, December 14 – The Islamist leadership of the Gaza Strip revealed a new weapon in its arsenal Sunday, then immediately told residents it was sorry for removing the weapon’s attire like some immoral Westerner. To celebrate 27 years since its founding, Hamas paraded a new launcher for the M-75 rocket, one of its principal …
Mossad Warns Gaza Stockpiling Sewage Tel Aviv, December 8 – Intelligence officials alerted the Israeli military and political leadership this morning that the Gaza Strip has begun accumulating millions of gallons of untreated sewage for an as-yet-unclear use. Mossad and military intelligence units discovered the stockpiles of the dangerous material through analysis of overhead drone images. The photographs indicated the …
Palestinian Rock-Thrower Suspended For Steroid Use In the last six months a total of eleven youths have received suspensions and twenty-nine more were placed on probation, numbers that represent a threefold increase since 2005. Ramallah, December 1 – A Palestinian youth who regularly hurls rocks and other projectiles at Israeli security forces was suspended from further such activity for at least …
IDF Developing Flying Pigs To Better Destroy Palestinian Agriculture Kibbutz Lahav, November 25 – Israel’s efforts to drive Palestinian farmers off their lands received a boost this week with the announcement that the army would partner with local pig breeders to develop flying pigs for release in Palestinian agricultural areas. Palestinians have long accused Israel of releasing wild boars to wreak havoc with Palestinian …
Palestinian Military Industries Upgrades Anti-Blame Dome Ramallah, November 17 – Palestinian engineers unveiled the latest version of a blame-deflecting defense system today, improving the existing model to include a far more powerful deflection system to repel even preliminary notions that Palestinians could be expected to behave morally. The Con-Dome system sheaths Palestinian society and government from accusations of involvement in, or …