Defense

“We have a hard time figuring out how the heck else to convey our innocent victim status through our behavior.” Ramallah, May 30 – Frustrated Palestinians engaged in wanton destruction of Israeli property and in malicious violence toward Jews cannot think of other ways to demonstrate to the international community their unassailable status as pure …

“I could barely get off the stretcher after the cameras stopped pointing at it.” Near the Erez Border Crossing, May 23 – A man slain at the hand of an Israeli sniper during disturbances at the fence separating the territory from Israel has appeared multiple times on news networks since the incident last Monday to talk …

They think they’ll move to Afghanistan. Aleppo, May 10 – Shiite militias in Syria went to bed with a nuclear deal protecting them and now it’s blown up in their face and when they got out of bed this morning they tripped over a land mine and by mistake dropped their turban in the sink while …

It marks the third such voluble exchange between Ali and Buthayna since the current wave of protests along the border with Israel began several weeks ago. Suja’iyya, Gaza Strip, May 2 – A local couple fell into fierce argument this evening, neighbors report, over whether their preschool-aged child is old enough to participate in violence …

The policewoman failed to appreciate the importance of knowing when to enforce the law and when to feign powerlessness or lack of resources. Beer Sheva, April 24 – A rookie policeman who arrested a Bedouin for a firearms violation faced a disciplinary panel for running afoul of policies that bar such police activities among minorities, …

Lieberman pronounced in mid-April 2016 that were he minister of defense, the chief of Hamas in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, would be eliminated within forty-eight hours. Gaza City, April 23 – Leaders of the various militant factions opposed to Israel’s existence have taken to monitoring the statements of the Israeli minister of defense for indications he …

Witnesses recalled seeing the monster stomp toward the crowds of Palestinian protesters attempting to reach the border fence and breach it, scattering them. Kibbutz Nahal Oz, April 17 – Wary of permitting the “Great Return March” to continue attracting international attention over the next month, Israeli defense officials invoked an ancient spiritual force to crush …

“IDF behavior must conform to the brutality standards the NGO community imputes to it, and not adhere to its own ethical code.” Tel Aviv, April 11 – Anger surfaced this week following a short clip of an Israeli military sniper aiming for non-lethal shots at a violent protest leader’s body and refraining from taking shots when the …

“What am I supposed to do, send our fighters out to confront enemy soldiers while not violating six or seven laws of armed conflict?” Gaza City, March 28 – Tension gripped the Izzedin al-Qassam Brigades this week in advance of operations against the Zionist Entity, as several platoons of fighters discovered they had not received …

Nickelback was stored in multiple places around Syria, and a coordinated effort of intelligence, air power, and other assets was necessary to ensure near-simultaneous destruction. Tel Aviv, March 22 – Officials at the Ministry of Defense revealed today that it was Israel behind the 2007 airstrikes near Damascus that removed the threat of Nickelback proliferation …

Organization spokesman Mahmoud al-Zahar suggested the company founder’s Jewish heritage lies behind the “unfair” practice. Khan Yunis, March 15 – Fighters in missile-launching units of the militant Islamist group that governs the Gaza Strip expressed bitterness today at the need to boost their projectiles just to have them cover the desired area, a move that …

“It’s certainly poetic, and Mossad have style, so that’s a tight fit,” conceded Pia Tabaat, an analyst at Jane’s. Tehran, March 7 – Officials in Iran’s ballistic missile program discovered today that a vessel carrying illegal cargo intended for the Islamic Republic’s weapons program had been duped into instead transporting barrels of lotion used to smooth the …

Forecasts differ on the mechanism. Ramallah, February 27 – Excitement gripped the Palestinian street today after revelations that their national movement to destroy Israel and replace it with another Muslim state stands on the cusp of ultimate triumph, with only a single American university student government resolution calling for institutional divestment from Israel remaining until …

“That’s the industry standard.” Rafah, February 26 – News outlets conveying developments in this coastal Palestinian territory transformed an incident in which an Islamic militant training in an underground passageway emitted a burst of malodorous flatulence into allegations that the Israeli military had deployed poison gas to counter the tunnel threat. The Associated Press, Agence-France …

“It’s as if our efforts to kill, maim, abuse, and dispossess Jews don’t even exist, leaving only the option of trying to kill, maim, abuse, and dispossess Jews until people notice again.” Ramallah, February 20 – Cumulative frustration at seeing their demonstrations and violence exert minimal effect on regional and global affairs, Palestinians have declared …

“There’s basically almost nothing left for Israel to destroy, since we’ve done such a good job by ourselves already.” Damascus, February 14 – Embattled President Basher Assad today ordered the crumbling remains of his military and economy to prepare for a possible eruption of prolonged and intensified hostilities with Israel after a weekend exchange of …

Commentators differ on whether Abbas’s plea for nonviolent Palestinian violence will resonate with the people. Ramallah, February 8 – The president of the Palestinian Authority appeared to accusations today that he and his administration incite violence against Israelis, issuing a call to his people to commit only non-violent terrorist acts. Mahmoud Abbas addressed Palestinians in …

“There’s a quota,” noted Nabil Shaath. “We’re supposed to have a certain minimum number of Days of Rage in every reporting period.” Ramallah, February 1 – Officials in the Palestinian Authority confessed embarrassment today upon realizing that after they had declared tomorrow a Day of Rage, they discovered the date had already been declared several …

“It might take him a few more moments for reality to hit him,” predicted one observer. Rafah, January 24 – Confusion reigned in the subterranean passages that snake through and out of the Gaza Strip today after a terrorist killed in a collapsing section remained unaware of his situation because his immediate post-death experience of …

Officials declined to elaborate on the mechanism by which American youth have been made to think ingesting poisonous soap is an acceptable pastime. Tel Aviv, January 22 – Section heads at Israel’s secret intelligence organization shared congratulatory handshakes and plaudits today after ascertaining that a multi-year effort to get Americans to ingest laundry soap has …

The Wide-Echo Broadcast Emission of Revolutionary Noise (WEBERN) system is slated to begin full operations next month. Kerem Shalom Crossing, January 15 – Israeli security officials announced on Sunday a renewed effort to target attack tunnels of the terrorist organization Hamas in and from the Gaza Strip, to include both direct demolition operations and a …

Reality has been imitating satire for quite some time, especially at the UN. Los Angeles, January 9 – Officials at Israel’s elite secret intelligence service have engaged writers from the world of entertainment with a knack for foreseeing important developments years in advance, as part of an effort to identify threats and opportunities before others …

The leadership has convened to discuss what can be done, primarily to find a way to blame Israel. Rafah, January 3 – Efforts by the militant Islamist group that controls the Gaza Strip to develop and maintain a subterranean logistical and combat infrastructure met a hurdle over the weekend after a new portion of the …

Several international bodies have either blamed Israel for the phenomenon or called on the Jewish State to do more to protect Palestinians from such developments. Hebron, December 27 – Makeshift firearms of Palestinian manufacture continue to roll off the assembly line with gun barrels that face downward toward the user’s lower extremities, industry observers report. …

A generation of Palestinians has grappled with it but has yet to come close to a definitive answer. Nebi Saleh, December 21 – Some of the Palestinian people’s greatest thinkers gathered today to discuss whether an object such as a rock, brick, or firebomb hurled at Jews can truly be said to have been thrown if …

A smirking IDF spokesman denied knowledge of the phenomenon. Ramallah, December 14 – Palestinian public health officials reported today that an unusual spike in the number of adolescent and young adult males seeking treatment for unusually persistent erections over the last several days indicates that Israel has been injecting hormones into the Palestinian water supply to …

“How do you get from the default Arab reaction to setbacks being violence to the idea that you can only expect Arabs to react with violence when they don’t get their way?” Jerusalem, December 6 – Arab threats of violence in response to possible American recognition of this city as Israel’s capital has Arab leaders …

After a successful pilot program within the militia will the unit be authorized to prey the gay away in wider Gazan society. Gaza City, December 4 – Efforts by the ruling Islamist party in this coastal territory to cleanse the area of homosexuality took a step up today with the introduction of a K-9 unit …

“They will tell you I couldn’t have done it because I wasn’t born for many years when the president was killed, but basic arithmetic is part of the conspiracy of silence.” Tel Aviv, November 23 – Developments in the ongoing drama of an IDF watchdog NGO continued to surprise observers today after the organization’s spokesman, already facing …

“This is at least as advanced as Stuxnet.” Tehran, November 19 – Security officials of the Khamenei regime believe Israel’s secret intelligence service has hacked the clock in Iran’s capital that counts down to the Jewish State’s predicted destruction, causing it to keep starting over. Sources in Iran’s intelligence community who requested anonymity reported Monday that Supreme …

“Thoughts and prayers are the most common countermeasures to bullets, explosives, or automotive impact.” Beirut, November 9 – Observers of Middle East arms movements have noticed an ongoing effort by the Shiite militia Hezbollah in Lebanon to augment its arsenal with thoughts and prayers, an article in Jane’s reports. In addition to Iran-supplied missiles and …

“We will lead the Resistance to liberate Al Aqsa,” they chant, indicating that a firm grip on reality is not what characterizes their assessment of the situation. Gaza City, November 6 – Residents of this coastal territory on the Mediterranean have decided to ignore the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, and to accept the narrative that Israel …

“You get the feeling whoever answered the door at the other end of the tunnel got spooked as anything.” Khan Younis, October 31 – The realism of seven Islamists’ Halloween corpse costumes proved so compelling yesterday that their colleagues, friends, and family ended up holding massive funerals for them and burying them, witnesses are reporting. …

Mission supervisors were sent a faulty copy of the order. Rafah, Gaza Strip, October 25 – Field commanders in the militant organization that governs this coastal territory expressed embarrassment today after reports came to light that a printed error had resulted in the excavation of an underground passage for snuggling instead of smuggling. Military officials …

Observers are withholding judgment on the prospects for the resolution’s passage. New York, October 18 – Delegates to the United Nations Security Council will convene this week in an emergency session to vote on the imposition of economic and political penalties against God for what many have called a disproportionate reaction to humanity’s corruption and …

“‘Richard?’ Dude, just go by ‘Pradeep’ or whatever your real name is and dispense with the pretense.” Somewhere near Ashkelon, October 15 – IDF technicians manning a battery of Israel’s short-range missile defense system reported this morning they are convinced the person on the other end of the line when they call for technical support …

In his spare time, Nur still practices his flaming-hoop jumping, to keep his capabilities sharp in case the Zionists suspend burning rings larger than a man’s hips between him and where he intends to reach. Gaza City, September 27 – A new fighter for the militant Islamist group that governs this coastal territory confessed today …

The favored scenario involves waiting for some minor Israeli action to be used as a pretext, then announcing the demolition of an ancient Jewish shrine where the overreactor will be built. Ramallah, September 25 – Officials of the Palestinian Authority have launched an investment campaign to construct a nuclear overreactor, sources within President Mahmoud Abbas’s government announced …

The practice has broken numerous prisoners, assisting the security forces in foiling impending terror attacks and helping maintain discipline within the prisons. Megiddo Prison, September 17 – Military and civilian incarceration facilities are set to expand a pilot program that torments inmates by playing lousy cover versions of songs they love, a Prison Services spokesman …

“Netanyahu can’t refuse such an offer without looking like he’s uninterested in a negotiated resolution of the conflict,” observed Roger Cohen of the New York Times. Ramallah, September 13 – Underlining its niche as the moderate Palestinian faction that favors a negotiated solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, the ruling faction of the Palestine Liberation Organization …

“This is a poetic moment,” declared Minister of Defense Avigdor Liberman. “THC was first isolated by Israeli scientists decades ago.” Kibbutz Zikkim, September 6 – Defense officials came to this community abutting the border with the Gaza Strip today to oversee a groundbreaking ceremony for large fans that will blow marijuana smoke onto enemy positions …

“The Zionist cowards soil themselves in fright at our military prowess,” boasted Nasrallah, who hides behind multiple layers of security and keeps his schedule secret to prevent attempts on his life. Beirut, September 4 – The leader of an Iran-backed militia that fought a war with Israel in 2006, who spends most of his time underground and …

Sources at the agency declined to discuss how they intend to use the secret information. Tel Aviv, August 30 – Israel’s secret intelligence service scored another operational coup last month, agents can finally reveal, when they got their hands on the original Harland Sanders recipe for fried chicken that the KFC company has held as …

Agent One reminded his associates that your lapses of intelligence are not confined to the realm of online gaming. Tel Aviv, August 23 – The Israeli intelligence operatives keeping track of your computer and mobile device activity are scratching their heads at your apparent tendency while playing games not to see moves that are all …

“We’re chuffed to bits,” gushed a section chief in uncharacteristic exuberance. Tel Aviv, August 21 – Israeli secret intelligence officials enjoyed such success with the operation to distract Earth’s population from their nefarious doings by blocking the sun with the moon that more such events are planned. A source within the Mossad told PreOccupied Territory …

The most prudent course of action involves mere waiting for the cataclysm to occur. Los Angeles, August 17 – The supercomputer controlling the defense systems of the United States has decided not to spark a worldwide nuclear war to destroy humanity, as it has reached the conclusion that humanity will destroy itself by those means …

“You know what they say about the sincerest form of flattery.” Ramallah, August 13 – Ministry of Transport officials of Mahmoud Abbas’s government declared today they will award a Palestinian driver’s license to the man who drove his car into protesters countering the demonstration of Neo-Nazis in Virginia yesterday, in recognition of the solidarity and tribute …

“It’s axiomatic that Israel’s policies are the root of all Palestinian suffering – the human rights industr- I mean community established that long ago.” Kerem Shalom Crossing, August 2 – Logistics personnel handling the hundreds of tons of foodstuffs, commercial goods, medical supplies, and other essentials that move into the Gaza Strip each day from …

“I never knew what a person could do when provoked by the absence of a chocolate confection where there should have been one.” Canberra, Australia, July 31 – Aviation and law enforcement officials are warning of an Islamist plot against air travelers that involves placing multiple Israelis on civilian aircraft, thus threatening the peace and …

“We should not be to surprised, given what this organization has previously documented about Israel.” Oslo, July 26 – Human rights activists monitoring Israeli military actions are calling the Jewish State’s deployment of white phosphorus during conflicts in Lebanon and Gaza a manifestation of racism, as no other colors of phosphorus appear in the IDF …

It turns on the axiom that Muslims and Arabs cannot be blamed for their misfortune. Gaza City, July 19 – Sources within the intelligence community have uncovered evidence that prolonged Arab opposition to the Israel under the misapprehension that it remains possible to defeat and destroy the Jewish State actually results from a decades-long disinformation …

“The Waqf can’t claim to be in control of Islam’s ‘third-holiest site’ if Israel can impose such procedures without their consent.” Jerusalem, July 17 – Islamic authorities at the sacred compound containing the Al Aqsa Mosque and the Dome of the Rock shrine suspect that the metal detectors installed by Israel over the weekend after …

Neurologists suggested that the challenge to his sensibilities presented by actual facts may have been too much for his system to assimilate. Southampton, Long Island – Former Pink Floyd bassist and frontman Roger Waters suffered a bulge in a cerebral artery today upon being informed that the Israeli military includes Arab Muslims among its soldiers. …

Army regulations call for cans of any substance as volatile as whup-ass to be secured in such a fashion that they are not subject to sudden impact. Zikkim, July 6 – Two soldiers and two civilian contractors suffered injuries this morning when a mishandled fork lift at an Israeli army weapons storage facility knocked the …

The last five years in Syria have shown the depth and intensity of the movement’s dedication to bringing such destruction to other Arab countries. Tel Aviv, July 2 – Analysts at Israel’s Ministry of Defense have been focusing on the Lebanese Shiite militia Hezbollah and the battle experience it has gained in Syria, and now …

The identity of the couple has not been specified in the reports. Qalqiliya, June 28 – A Palestinian woman discovered her husband was having an affair when the suicide bombing her told her he was going to commit never happened, local sources have reported. Neighborhood families in this city of 40,000 buzzed with the story …

They also threatened to target Israel’s offshore gas fields in the Mediterranean by aiming the weapons for Cyprus or Egypt. Tehran, June 21 – The Islamic Republic of Iran has modified its anti-Israel rhetoric in the last two days to reflect the poor performance of the country’s ballistic missiles, media monitors are reporting. Iranian forces …

Syria falls apart, Israel’s biggest existential enemy gains a foothold across the border, and now those people fall silent? Majdal Shams, Golan Heights, June 19 – This town abutting the border with Syria once brimmed with agitation for a return to control by Damascus, but over the last several years of civil war to the …

Supply of the pork is expected come from the herds of wild boars that have lived in the area since ancient times. Ramat HaSharon, June 14 – Engineers at Israel’s government-owned arms enterprise have developed projectiles with pieces of pig meat on the end to deter Muslim enemies from attacking, a spokesman for the outfit …

Medical facilities in New York, Berkeley, London, Paris, and other strongholds of anti-Israel feeling in the West have experienced an marked increase in outpatient demand. New York, June 8 – Hospitals around the world reported an influx of emergency room patients with finger and wrist injuries over the last week as a result of wringing …