Showing 361–420 of 602 articles · Page 7 of 11
Media Gearing Up To Describe Iran Nuke As ‘Crude, Homemade’ If Used On Israel “Technically, since Iran is trying to develop the nuclear weapons and delivery technology domestically, we can use the word ‘homemade.’” Gaza City, June 5 – Journalists and editors of new operations covering the Middle East have begun to prepare for the eventuality of a nuclear-armed Iran hostile to Israel, and for the eventuality of reporting …
IDF Using Covfefe On Palestinians An IDF spokesman declined to answer whether the IDF obtained covfefe from American suppliers under existing military aid agreements. Gaza City, June 1 – Human rights groups are alleging that the Israel Air Force has deployed munitions containing covfefe against Palestinian targets, a controversial substance with questionable legality under the laws of armed conflict. Amnesty …
Hamas Drafts Tunnel-Digging Kids To Run On Hamster Wheels For Electricity Fuel shortages for Gaza’s power plant, the result of Palestinian infighting, mean only two or three hours of electricity are available for the territory’s residents each day. Gaza City, May 24 – The Islamist group that runs this coastal territory will address the area’s electricity shortage by reassigning children from terror-tunnel-digging duties to run on …
Israel To Bring Down Ayatollahs By Putting Them On Public Housing Waiting List Soon enough, the Ayatollahs will lose all hope of getting help from the people who are supposed to help them, and they’ll decide to end it all. Tel Aviv, May 22 – Israeli leaders have hit upon what they believe will prove a winning strategy in combating the existential threat from Iran, in a new …
Trump May Have Burned Mossad Agent In Charge Of Controlling Your Thoughts “As far as anyone can tell, the only person who has been affected by the mind-control system is the current reader of this article, but that does not mean others will not be affected soon enough.” Washington, May 17 – Speculation concerning the nature of the information allegedly divulged to Russian officials in the Oval Office …
IDF Bulldozer Demolishes ‘Breaking The Silence’ Claims Of War Crimes The use of a D-9 to demolish fabricated claims of Israeli misconduct against Palestinians is less frequent, as under most circumstances the willful distortions collapse under their own weight after a short period. Tel Aviv, May 10 – The Israeli military deployed a D-9 armored bulldozer this afternoon to destroy spurious charges leveled by self-proclaimed …
Egypt Demolishes Gaza Smuggling Tunnel, Cutting Supply Of Luxury Cars “It’s unbearable, this siege,” complained a Hamas operative who splits his time between training the next generation of militants and serving on the administrative committee at a UNRWA school. Rafah, Gaza Strip, May 8 – Egyptian military forces detonated charges inside a tunnel connecting the Hamas-controlled and Egyptian-controlled portions of this city yesterday, further restricting …
Exclusive Palestinian Gang Requires Applicants Get Shot To Death Trying To Stab Jews Martyrs’ Blood is dominated by the local Qawasme clan, whose members even the violent Hamas movement has trouble restraining. Hebron, May 4 – Hopeful Palestinian youths aiming to earn acceptance to one of the toughest street gangs in this contested city must undergo the most formidable initiation rite of any such group in the society: …
Mini Iron Dome To Be Installed On All Cars To Intercept Rocks, Firebombs Trophy will handle multiple threats at the same time, allowing drivers to concentrate of driving instead of avoiding Palestinian rocks and bombs. Tel Aviv, April 30 – Continued targeting of Israeli cars by Palestinians on the roads of Judea and Samaria and in parts of Jerusalem with rocks and Molotov cocktails has prompted the Ministries …
Hamas Says Anti-Tunnel Barrier Displaces Thousands Of Underground Palestinians “Thousands of my family members live underground in that area.” Gaza City, April 25 – Leaders of Hamas and other Palestinian officials decried Israel’s construction of a subterranean wall to block infiltration from the Gaza Strip, accusing the Jewish State of continuing its policy of expelling Palestinians, this time the Palestinians who reside underground where …
Hamas Asks If Using Only 50% Of Gaza Aid For Terrorism OK Instead of many hundreds of millions of dollars per year in aid going primarily to tunnels and weapons, would those governments still provide the much-needed aid if the terrorism allocation were reduced to only a few hundred million? Gaza City, April 20 – Leaders of the militant Islamist movement that governs this coastal territory on …
Archaeologists Find Remnants Of Obama Red Line On Syria Chemical Weapons Compounding the difficulty is the Obama administration’s own subsequent attempts to conceal or otherwise reduce the identifiability of the red lines it had established. Damascus, April 5 – Scientists digging in the outskirts of the Syrian capital have discovered fragments of what appear to be one of former US President Barack Obama’s “red lines” warning …
NSA Sees What You Did There NSA agents often see what you did there, according to spokesman Rico Naissance. Fort Meade, MD, April 3 – The National Security Agency has observed your activities and its analysts have come to an appreciation of the cleverness or humor behind them, an agency spokesman tweeted today. “We see what you did there,” read the …
Abbas Promises To End Incitement If Allowed To Kill 6.5 Million Jews “This would in no way deny the inherent right of the Palestinian people to tell the truth about the Jewish usurping rapist of our land,” he continued. Ramallah, March 30 – Facing pressure from foreign governments and international bodies over the glorification of terrorism against Jews, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas offered today to put a …
Hamas Dismayed After Assassination Revealed To Be Work Of Teenage Palestinian Hacker “This of course does not mean all Zionist assassinations are the work of this one hacker,” cautioned a Hamas official who spoke on condition of anonymity. Gaza City, March 26 – The militant Islamist movement that governs the Gaza Strip went silent today on the Friday assassination of a senior commander following a full-throated two …
BBC Hires New Reporter To Ignore Hezbollah Arms Buildup, Hiding Among Civilians She will survey the myriad ways in which the Shiite terrorist organization that is a de facto partner in the Lebanese government threatens to bring devastation on the country by provoking Israel into another war, and then to decline to report on those developments. London, March 21 – The British Broadcasting Corporation has implemented several …
Mossad Infecting 72 Virgins With STDs “Brilliant, if evil. Stereotypical, I would say.” Paradise, March 16 – Heavenly sources are reporting that Israeli agents have infiltrated the Supernal Realm and are spreading venereal diseases among the virgins allotted to Islamic martyrs. Archangel Jibril told journalists that unusual numbers of virgins have been visiting heavenly clinics to receive treatment for sexually transmitted …
BDS Says Vashti Boycott Of Ahashverosh Feast Their Idea This is not the first time the BDS movement has claimed victory as the result of a development that actually runs counter to their goals. Susa, March 12 – The Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions movement aimed at isolating Israel politically, economically, and diplomatically claimed credit for Queen Vashti’s refusal to answer King Ahashverosh’s summons, saying that …
Hamas Forms New Combat Brigade Made Entirely Of Human Rights NGO Volunteers The Rachel Corrie Brigade will be formally inaugurated this coming Monday. Hebron, March 8 – In pursuit of the advantages of diversified manpower, the militant organization that governs the Gaza Strip and several strongholds in the West Bank has established a new unit of about 4,000 personnel, all of whom are activists in various human …
Hamas Boasts It Has More Rockets That Can Fall Short And Kill Gazans “Watch the Zionist cower in fright as we unleash the power of our rockets on our own people.” Beit Lahiya, March 3 – The militant Islamist movement that runs the Gaza Strip bragged this afternoon that it has more than replenished its supply of rockets since the last war with Israel in 2014, and now …
Amnesty: Meals In Israeli Jails Contain Gluten Jewish prisoners, in discriminatory fashion, are provided with mostly grain-free meals for a week or so every spring. New York, February 27 – A leading organization advocating for political rights and against mistreatment of political detainees has criticized Israel for what it calls a glaring lack of respect for the humanity of Palestinian prisoners, as …
Hamas Accuses Israel Of Stockpiling Civilians “The Islamic Resistance will continue to strike at this vital Zionist resource.” Gaza City, February 22 – The Islamist Hamas movement unleashed a new round of criticism at Israel today, accusing the Jewish state of amassing over eight million civilians. Israel and several Islamist militant groups, chief among them Hamas, have been trading fire for …
Palestinian Claims Victory In Twitter Exchange, Bringing Statehood Ever Closer “A self-declared victory in debate on Twitter, we can all agree, was never dreamed of by our ancestors.” San Francisco, February 15 – Twitter executives reported today that in a series of messages between a Palestinian tweeter and two advocates for Israel, the Palestinian twice announced he had bested his opponents, thereby contributing to the …
Report: Obsession With Israel A Plot To Distract Muslims From Zionist World Takeover Implicit in the officials’ account is the fact that only the Arab-Muslim world stands between the cabal and total global domination. Cairo, February 13 – Egyptian intelligence officials suspect that the animus toward Israel that has characterized the last seventy years of Arab-Muslim policy and statecraft is in fact an elaborate diversion tactic to divert …
Hamas Propaganda Filmmakers So Comically Ineffective, Must Be Israeli Agents The animated work has caused zero intimidation among the target population, but has become a comic entertainment sensation. Khan Yunis, February 9 – The release this week of another Hamas video production intended to intimidate Israelis, but that instead showcased the amateurish skills and thinking of those behind it, has led analysts to the conclusion …
Hamas Nixes Prisoner Deal, But Willing To Exchange Rockets On Israel For Destruction Of Gaza Hamas is also considering the use of further automotive terrorist attacks and suicide bombings to sweeten the deal. Gaza City, February 5 – The Islamist militant organization that governs the Gaza Strip rejected a proposal last week to free some of its members imprisoned in Israel in exchange for the release of two Israelis held …
Kool-Aid Man Joins IDF House Demolition Squad A Defense Ministry spokesman described the deal as a “breakthrough.” Tel Aviv, January 31 – Ministry of Defense officials announced a new contract today with Kool-Aid Man, an expert in breaking through walls who will help the IDF demolish Palestinian homes more efficiently. Tarkiz Petel, a spokesman for the ministry, told reporters that among a …
Google Fears Driverless Competition From ‘Cars’ That Hit Israelis “If the Guardian, Times of London, and Agence France-Presse have it right, there is an unknown number of driverless cars already out there.” Mountain View, CA, January 26 – Executives at global technology giant Google voiced concerns today about unknown competitors in the nascent driverless car industry, after encountering news coverage of cars that hit …
Palestinians Threaten Violence If King David Moves Capital From Hebron To Jerusalem “There never was a Temp – no, wait, we can’t use that claim yet,” hesitated Saeb Erekat. Ramallah, January 22 – Palestinian leaders warned that if the king of Israel moves forward with his plan to establish Jerusalem as the national capital as announced, the region will explode in violence. President Mahmoud Abbas and several …
Rock Thrown By Arab Magically Transforms Into Sponge-Tipped Police Bullet “If mid-air transmogrification technology has reached the hands of hostile elements, we face a serious challenge.” Umm al-Hiran, January 18 – Israeli defense officials expressed concern today that terrorist groups may have developed technology to change projectiles in mid-flight, after a rock thrown by a Bedouin protester struck an allied politician and was then reported …
Military Court Convicts David Of Murder For Killing Disarmed, Wounded Goliath Advocates for David called the move excessive, and criticized Israelite media for making the family of the slain Goliath into the victims of the incident. Elah Valley, January 12 – A panel of military judges voted to convict Israelite military personality David, son of Jesse, on First-Degree Murder charges after the latter beheaded a Philistine …
Palestinians Argue Whether Schedule Calls For Denouncing Or Embracing ISIS “We’re not offering a coherent line here.” Ramallah, January 9 – A day after a Palestinian terrorist attack that killed four Israelis, Palestinian leaders have found themselves amidst vehement disagreement over today’s tactic: should they be embracing and lauding the attack and its technique while calling for more of the same, or should they be …
Btselem, Breaking The Silence Puzzled By Need For Trial Of Accused Soldiers “We could have told you the moment the story happened that the guy is guilty – he’s an Israeli soldier.” Tel Aviv, January 4 – The manslaughter conviction today of an IDF sergeant in the unlawful shooting death of a wounded attacker has human rights activists scratching their heads at the lengthy due process that …
Titus Cites UNSCR 2334 In Demanding Besieged Jerusalem Surrender The Council automatically rendered the entire Jewish stronghold currently under siege an illegal entity that must be dismantled. Jerusalem, December 28 – The Roman general commanding the forces surrounding the Jewish capital sent messengers today to the leaders of the besieged stronghold urging them to comply with Security Council Resolution 2334, which declared that a …
UN To Wait On Setting Jerusalem Status Quo Till After Babylonian Conquest “It goes against the established and consistent policy of the Venezuelan government going back to Hugo Chavez.” New York, December 26 – Diplomats at the United Nations reported today that the Security Council will hold off on a resolution fixing the prevailing status of Jerusalem as the only legal disposition of the city until after …
Palestinian Security Confiscates Gold, Myrrh From Wise Men Visiting Bethlehem Corruption and abuse of power have plagued the various organs of Palestinian internal security since their inception in 1993. Bethlehem, Judea, December 22 – A group of dignitaries from the East reported today that on their way to pay homage to the newborn King of the Jews, Palestinian police and security personnel accosted them and …
Abbas Rails Against Jacob’s Sons For ‘Defiling’ Palestinian Pit With Joseph The Morabitoun, as they will be known, with their female counterparts the Morabitat, will attempt to obstruct Jacob and his offspring from performing Talmudic rituals that threaten or undermine Palestine’s sanctity. Ramallah, December 18 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas had angry words today for ten of Jacob’s sons, who threw their brother Joseph into a …
PETA Denounces Aaron, Moses For Cruelty To Serpents Hebrew officials dismissed the PETA allegations. Memphis, December 13 – A leading organization advocating for better treatment of animals has criticized the Hebrew leadership for abuse of snakes, citing a confrontation with Pharaoh’s sorcerers in which the creatures were transformed into staffs and vice versa, only to be swallowed alive in the end. A statement …
IDF To Clear Moral High Ground Of Leftists Claiming It Under False Pretenses “We’re preparing for anything,” intoned a grim Lt. General Gadi Eizenkot, the IDF Chief of Staff. Tel Aviv, December 8 – As IDF units undergo training to prepare for an anticipated forced evacuation of the Amona settlement outpost, a separate group is conducting similar exercises in advance of an operation to remove left-wing journalists, politicians, …
Soon-To-Be-Drafted North Tel Aviv High Schoolers Ask Whether IDF Provides ‘Safe Space’ For Progressives “The army has to understand that feelings are the most important thing.” Ramat Aviv, December 4 – A group of twelfth-graders in an upscale section of Israel’s hippest metropolis spent time this afternoon discussing their upcoming military service, and inquired whether the army provides environments free of ideas or experiences likely to challenge the validity …
Kosher Meals Unavailable On Board F-35 “It’s all part of a general cost-cutting trend in aviation that’s been going on for years already.” Tel Nof Air Base, November 29 – The most expensive and advanced fighter aircraft in the world is still unable to provide accommodation for kosher-keeping Israel Air Force pilots, an investigation has found. According to information gleaned by …
Couple Boinking Inside IDF Tank Say Serving Together In It Would Just Be Too Awkward “If we end up spending hours, even days at a time in this thing? Goodbye romance, I can tell you that.” Latrun, November 23 – Two IDF soldiers getting busy inside a Mark-II Merkava Main Battle Tank told reporters today they oppose the integration of women into tank crews, because having to man the same …
Rabbinate Proposes Mechitza In Tanks To Facilitate Mixed-Sex Crews The same kind of divider has facilitated the presence of both males and females in the same prayer space while maintaining dignified separation. Tel Aviv, November 21 – Amid resurgent controversy over the integration of women into military combat roles, the army’s Chief Rabbinate suggested today that the armored corps install partitions inside the vehicles …
Polls That Saw Clinton Victory Just Israeli Ruse To Break Palestinian Morale Officials characterized the complex set of operations as a masterpiece. Tel Aviv, November 16 – Israeli Ministry of Defense and intelligence officials voiced satisfaction today after a post-mortem assessment of their clandestine activities related to the American presidential election, an important element of which included the building up of Palestinian hopes for a sympathetic personality …
Mossad Pronounces New Election-Fixing Technology A Success The section chief praised her staff for completing the project ahead of schedule and under budget. Tel Aviv, November 9 – Developers and project leaders at Israel’s secret intelligence service gathered today to celebrate the first successful field test of the outfit’s latest device for manipulating and controlling the results of elections. The team of …
UN: Abraham Used Excessive Force In Pursuing 4 Armies With His 318 Men His campaign succeeded in seizing all the booty and prisoners taken by the four kings and their troops, at what the Human Rights Council has now called a disproportionate price. Oaks of Mamre, November 7 – The United Nations Human Rights Council issued a condemnation today of the Hebrew man Abraham for what they deemed …
Tower Of Babel Clearly A Zionist Plot To Sow Division The Zionist movement and global Jewry can now exploit the ensuing instability to consolidate assets and power. Land of Shinar, November 3 – Evidence is emerging that the failure of the collaborative project known as the Tower of Babel was the work of Zionists trying to weaken civilization by exacerbating differences, local sources reported today. …
Heads To Roll At Mossad After Earthquake Hits Italy Instead Of Ramallah Operation Re’ida was intended to sow further instability in Palestinian-administered territories by crippling Ramallah’s infrastructure. Tel Aviv, October 30 – Officials at Israel’s intelligence and clandestine operations agency promised a full inquiry today after the device intended to inflict an earthquake on the de facto Palestinian capital city instead hit Rome. A 6.6-magnitude tremor struck …
Flag That Survived Simchat Torah Suggests New Armor Possibilities Normally, flags disintegrate, disappear, tear apart, or are otherwise destroyed within twenty minutes of their arrival at the Simchat Torah festivities. Jerusalem, October 25 – A paper banner on a stick that was used to celebrate the completion of the annual Torah-reading cycle somehow made it through the holiday of Simchat Torah intact, leading defense specialists …
Israel To Have Russia Bomb Gaza So World Stays Silent A Russian bombing campaign in the Gaza Strip would enable the use of far more brutal and destructive – and therefore effective – methods than the IDF allows itself to employ. Tel Aviv, October 19 – The relative equanimity with which the international community has greeted Russia’s role in flattening Aleppo from the air has …
Expert Warns Video Games Might Turn Palestinians Violent “I hope I do not live to see the day when Palestinian society has been so saturated and overcome with such invidious values that our youth – and many adults – default to violence when they encounter adversity.” Ramallah, October 10 – A psychologist at Bir Zeit University has admonished Palestinian leaders that the proliferation of …
IDF To Cut Food Expenses By Cooking Palestinian Children If adopted throughout the IDF, the program is expected to save up to 1.5 billion shekels annually. Tel Nof Air Base, October 5 – Efforts to bring defense spending under control have sparked an initiative across all branches of the Israel Defense Forces to replace up to half the meat used in army, navy, and …
Iran Mulls Nuclear Strike On Israel As World Leaders There For Peres Funeral If successful, such an attack would eliminate many of the people who represent a check on the Islamic Republic’s efforts to build its sphere of influence Tehran, September 28 – Military and political chiefs in the Islamic Republic of Iran are considering an attack on Israel this Friday when dozens of Western heads of state …
UN Demands Israelites Supply Anti-Arrow Defenses To Philistines “These Israelites claim to represent the ideals of the Living God, but I don’t see them doing the ethically proper thing and giving us the tools to repel their counteroffensives,” argued Akhish, potentate of this city-state. Gath, September 21 – The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees weighed in on the Israel-Philistine conflict today with …
IDF Still Not Promising Virgins, Paradise, Family Pension To Killers Of Muslims “It makes me and my colleagues look like fools, which is no way to treat the press.” Tel Aviv, September 19 – Defense observers were horrified to discover today that this many decades into the religious dimension animating the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, the Israeli defense establishment has failed to guarantee a place in Heaven to anyone who …
Obama Surprised $3.8B In Israel Aid Need Not Be Delivered In Cash It was understandable the president thought that’s what we do, considering how everything has been handled with Iran. Washington, September 14 – White House officials told reporters today that President Obama was taken aback at discovering that the ten-year, thirty-eight-billion-dollar military assistance package to Israel does not have to be supplied in pallets of cash borne by …
Report: Biblical Deluge Caused By Zionists Opening Dams Among other evidence, Dr. Tzidibba pointed to the notion of collective punishment that informs both stories, and the fraught relationship the survivors tended to have with alcoholic beverages. Mt. Ararat, September 7 – A new investigation into the flood that destroyed civilization and all but wiped out land-based animal life has concluded that the disaster …
Johnny Depp To Give Scarves To Palestinians To Use As Slingshots “The ones Palestinians have been using since way back in the First Intifada of the late 1980’s are a fashion faux pas.” Los Angeles, September 5 – The award-winning actor who portrayed Edward Scissorhands, Willy Wonka, Captain Jack Sparrow, and other memorable cinematic characters has announced that he will donate his surplus scarves to the …
Intelligence Budget Increases To Overcome Haaretz Paywall A glance through Haaretz is as good as having a man on the ground in Pakistan, Sudan, or Iran. Tel Aviv, August 31 – Israeli defense and intelligence officials told reporters today that a reserve in the current budget for the Ministry of Defense will be used in part to gain access to Haaretz’s English-language …
Seeing Iran’s Success, Israel Mulls Kidnapping Americans Also If adopted by Israel, that approach could yield significant financial, diplomatic, political, and strategic benefits. Tel Aviv, August 25 – The Obama administration’s accommodating attitude toward Iran’s hostage-taking of Americans has prompted Israeli military and political policymakers to consider adopting a similar pattern of imprisoning Americans in exchange for generous ransom packages, Kol Israel radio …