Defense

Field testing a device to prevent sneezes or coughs from reaching people on the Israeli side of the border. Gaza Envelope, March 19 – Israel’s Combat Means Development Authority has produced a prototype device to interdict viral particles expelled by respiratory systems of the terrorist group that governs the neighboring Gaza Strip, military sources disclosed …

“This type of vehement response is exactly what every government should be implementing.” Bethlehem, March 9 – Failure of an effort to suppress the news of a Dutch woman subjected to repeated forced sex by a group of city residents last week has led local and national leaders to begin reframing the incident instead as …

“Handlers select specific terrorists they assess will respond positively to an invitation, and engage them in the ‘persona’ of the sheep or goat.” Tel Aviv, February 27 – Israel’s intelligence agency augmented its achievements this week in the ongoing confrontation with Islamist terrorists, announcing that in addition to foiling a “honeypot” scheme to gain valuable information …

“Could you explain exactly what the problem is here?” remarked a representative of the EU. Hebron, February 18 – A Fatah faction bursar finds himself unable to decide whether to forward the promised financial incentives to the family of a man shot in an attempt to stab Israelis, or to deposit the EU- and NGO-provided funds …

“Ms. Corrie inhabits the eternity she created for herself.” Rafah, February 6 – The departed spirit of an American activist who sought to shield a terrorist armaments cache with her body but ended up crushed by a bulldozer must spend the rest of eternity looking on as Israeli soldiers and machines continue to dispose of …

Other sources remain available, and cheaper alternatives certainly exist, such as all the African migrants now in southern Tel Aviv. Kissufim, January 29 – Military sources report that the freshness, flavor, and tenderness of the flesh from kidnapped children under Israeli occupation has gone down in recent months to the point that soldiers in base …

In terms of wage discrimination of this type, Palestine performs no better than any Western country. Ramallah, January 20 – Feminist organizations voiced outrage this week upon the publication of statistics indicating that Palestinian Authority payments to murderers of Jewish Israelis, or to the families of the murderers if the latter was killed in the …

Iran remains stretched thin militarily and economically, and its allies in the region face their own difficulties, making attacks on Israel less likely. Tel Aviv, January 9 – IDF and government officials maintained a heightened state of alert today in the wake of Iranian ballistic missile attacks on Iraqi bases housing US troops Tuesday night, …

Suspension of the organized protests does not mean Hamas or its Islamist allies in the Gaza Strip will suspend other attempts to kill Jews. Gaza City, December 31 – The militant Islamist group that governs this coastal territory announced this week it has suspended the weekly violent protests at the border with Israel for most of the winter, …

The discovery will not change official Palestinian plans. Bethlehem, Palestinian Authority, December 19 – Nonplussed community and government officials expressed puzzlement and surprise today upon encountering the fact that the public display of yuletide symbols includes no traditional elements geared toward violent opposition to Jewish sovereignty. Municipal and national leaders initially refused to believe a …

Not for lack of trying. Near Gaza border fence with Israel, December 11 – Organizers of the once-weekly violent demonstrations against Israel at this location today confessed experiencing unprecedented built-up tension since last month’s bursts of rocket fire into Jewish cities and towns, noting that almost a month has passed since their last intentional placement …

“The only way to remedy this is to transform IDF policy to match the preconceived image that dovetails with what prompts our funding sources in Europe.” Tel Aviv, December 2 – The leader of Israel’s main far-left delegation in the Knesset called on the military today to abuse Arab civilians in the areas under their control to make …

“The narcissism of the era has really warped people’s common sense.” Damascus, November 21 – Israeli airstrikes hit weapons storage facilities and equipment in and around the Syrian capital two nights ago, with at least one attempted interception of an incoming strike missing its target and exploding in a residential neighborhood of the city, a development …

“I would not rule out a Zionist conspiracy to drain anti-Zionist imagery of its emotive power. It would be just like them.” Jerusalem, November 12 – A caricature of Israel’s prime minister depicting him as a bloodthirsty, swastika-wearing, land-stealing, child-killing rapist somehow fell short of removing Israeli control of territories Jews gained in 1948 and 1967, a …

“No one talks about Palestine except for every organ of the UN, a disproportionate number of NGOs, and tens of thousands of political and cultural figures.” Ramallah, October 31 – Academics and political advocates focusing on the Middle East in general and Palestinian issues in particular have expressed puzzlement that a groundbreaking 2001 film exploring …

Decades of AP framing have helped cement in the popular consciousness the image of the greedy, violent, usurping Israeli Jew as the starting point for any news involving Israel. Jerusalem, October 10 – A leading news organization whose decisions on terminology and phraseology exert an important influence in the framing of developments the world over has …

“I suppose we could light the money on fire beforehand, which would be an apt symbolic act.” Gaza City, September 25 – More effective implementation of restrictions on the movement of goods and people into and out of this coastal territory has resulted in a shortage of rockets and other weapons with which to target …

Minority advocacy group Adva demanded that the IDF at once begin using target silhouettes of a different color. Somewhere near Beersheva, Negev Desert, September 16 – Black, humanoid paper shapes affixed to posts at this Israeli military facility serve to aid soldiers in practicing their aim, a phenomenon that activists cite as further evidence that …

The army will thus expand eligibility for “combat” status, which commands greater prestige and higher pay. Shlomi, September 4 – A new Israeli military tactic in the long-running conflict with the Shiite militia Hezbollah has created combat opportunities for soldiers who otherwise would not meet the physical fitness and ability requirements to serve in such …

A Hezbollah spokesman disclosed this development as part of an information campaign by the organization to project a more realistic image than before, including footage of facilities destroyed in Israeli strikes. Beirut, August 26 – The chief of Iran’s main Shiite proxy militia in Lebanon now engages in intimate relations with his wife through remote …

“It is bad enough that the Zionists restrict our God-given right to kill them – now they deprive us of essential items for living.” Ofer Prison, August 15 – Inmates serving time for terrorism and terrorism-related offenses barricaded themselves in the cafeteria and began hurling food and other objects at guards in response to an …

The spokesmen declined to specify whether the tunnels will be cleared of Hamas personnel beforehand. Gaza City, August 6 – A protracted ecological and health hazard may soon find resolution, Israeli military sources disclosed today, a resolution that involves redirecting the isolated coastal strip’s waste water from pumping untreated into the Mediterranean, instead sending it …

“We’re not taking money from foreign governments so we can uphold the human rights of Jews, I’ll tell you that.” Jerusalem, July 25 – A mix-up in communication this morning resulted in several groups issuing loud demands that contradict every other demand they have ever made. A cluster of activists opposed to the existence of …

It’s all the more mystifying considering the successful deployment of ‘Islamophobia’ in an analogous capacity. Tel Aviv, July 17 – Ministry of Defense officials expressed shock today following the publication of a report that not a single Israeli soldier has undergone training to wield charges of antisemitism to silence enemies. Military and civilian higher-ups at …

The next spontaneous protest will happen three Fridays from now. Gaza City, July 8 – Authorities in this Mediterranean coastal territory announced today (Monday) that the unplanned demonstration planned for the coming weekendat the barrier separating the territory from Israel, under the leadership of ordinary folks, will not take place. A Hamas spokesman issued the notice this …

“Some folks will insist on misinterpreting it and we’ll end up with an Israeli airstrike taking out one of our best customers.” Gaza City, June 25 – A restaurant two streets over from the largest medical facility in the Gaza Strip has received numerous orders to be sent to an underground command bunker there, designated …

“In keeping with the finest traditions of UN inquiries such as those conducted under Messrs. Goldstone, Falk, and others.” Geneva, June 13 – An international body that aims to look into allegations of violations of the Laws of Armed Conflict by the Jewish State has engaged to spearhead the effort a man with recent experience …

“The international news media, controlled by our enemies, will continue to portray our noble efforts as barbaric.” Idlib, June 4 – Syrian forces have targeted noncombatants in the country’s eight-year-old civil war to endure that when strikes take place against rebel targets no civilians remain who can become casualties, a spokesman for the armed forces …

The change does not mean UNICEF will ignore Palestinian child welfare. “Our organization will continue to act as assiduously as ever in denouncing Israel.” New York, May 23 – The foremost world body dedicated to promoting the welfare of children and preventing their abuse issued an announcement today making official a policy of not including Palestinian …

“Ms. Tlaib expressed our aims as succinctly as anyone could.” Tehran, May 14 – Leaders of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps voiced frustration today with widespread misunderstanding of its role in arming, training, and funding Islamist militant groups throughout the Middle East, arguing that their chief aim in supplying the terrorists with weapons and other …

“It’s encouraging that Hamas appears to be looking beyond victory at what actual policy looks like in the absence of their lifelong enemy.” Gaza City, May 1 – Military planners of the Islamist movement that governs this territory conducted a missile test today that involved shooting a salvo of the weapons into the waters off the coast, …

Trump’s son-in-law and adviser Jared Kushner disclosed yesterday that the deal will be released in June. Ramallah, April 18 – Anticipation of US President Donald Trump’s long-awaited peace plan for the Middle East has prompted various interested parties to make pronouncements staking out positions that they hope will enhance or maintain their diplomatic leverage when …

“We will now be recruiting for trips to counter the poison that Birthright dispenses: trips during which, instead of simply yelling at Zionists for not caring about Palestinians, our participants kill Birthright participants.” New York, April 9 – Two American organizations focused on driving a wedge between American Jews and Israel have decided to alter …

Hamas sympathizers, meanwhile, insisted that the movement does not target civilians with its genocidal rhetoric. Gaza City, March 27 – For the third time this week, the Islamist terrorist group that runs this coastal territory sought to assure the international community that their latest declaration of intent to rid Palestine of all Jews by whatever …

The specifications of the law are unclear. Raqqa, Syria, March 20 – The coalition of nations and armed groups working to eliminate the last stronghold of the Islamic State in the Middle East face a dilemma in determining whether to treat livestock in liberated areas as possessions to be restored where possible to previous owners or …

“That’s got to be one imbecile of an end user. Are they American?” Guangzhou, March 11 – Staff at a manufacturer of synthetic rubber festive accessories in this Chinese port city voiced frustration with the Palestinian militant movement Hamas today at having to retool their facility’s production process to include a warning not to use …

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” retorted Gantz, who heads the party with the best chance of unseating Netanyahu this April 9. Tel Aviv, February 28 – Israeli military officials expressed shock and confusion today upon realizing their organization’s main task does not entail grooming its senior officers to pursue elected office after retirement from …

“The moral victories are important,” a spokesman stressed. Beit Hanoun, Gaza Strip, February 19 – Border units attacking Israel along the fence at the edge of this coastal territory have begun transitioning to the use of more peaceful deadly violence, activists with the Hamas movement report. The daily disturbances along the border have long featured …

The medical care could not be altruistic, since “this is Israel we’re talking about.” Gush Etzion Crossing, February 6 – Israeli soldiers instigate cardiac arrest in vulnerable Palestinians for purposes of treating them and looking good as a result, human rights groups allege in a new report. Amnesty International, Médecins Sans Frontièrs, Human Rights Watch, Btselem, …

“‘Learn to code’ can only serve to destroy Palestinian self-esteem, similar to the anticipated effect it will have on ex-Buzzfeed personnel.” Tel Aviv, January 31 – Human rights organizations slammed Israel’s military this week upon learning that the IDF has printed on tens of thousands of small pieces of paper a phrase that Twitter has banned for …

“Firing rockets and incendiary devices into our communities is bad enough, but appropriating the recordings of our soldiers and editing the footage to make it look like the soldiers did something they didn’t – well, we’re not going to tolerate that.” Tel Aviv, January 22 – Israeli military officials initiated legal action today against a …

Regular, routine meetings of this nature will occur until the threat of such malicious reports is stamped out. Tel Aviv, January 9 – Senior officers from Iraq, Egypt. Jordan, Bahrain, the United Arab Emirates, and Saudi Arabia who gathered for a conference at Israel’s Ministry of Defense this week issued fierce rebuttals of reports by …

Under normal circumstances this week’s political developments in Israel would receive a shrug from Islamists. Bint Jbail, Lebanon, January 2 – Islamist militants opposed to Israel’s existence have forgotten what they were doing and have become absorbed in the unfolding political soap opera taking place in the Jewish State, sources in Lebanon and the Palestinian …

Some have allowed their grievances to temper the excitement of Donald Trump’s announcement of a troop withdrawal from Syria. Beirut, December 24 – Fighters in the Shiite militia that dominates Lebanon expressed resentment today that a less-capable colleague has received command over a prestigious unit only because his father runs the organization, an occurrence that, …

“The effort to neutralize those tunnels appears to qualify as obstruction of justice.” Tel Aviv, December 13 – A prominent Israeli daily newspaper is calling excavations by a Lebanese Shiite terrorist group into sovereign Israeli territory a sound moral and legal strategy to discover proof that the Jewish State’s military has engaged in atrocities and …

“What we have here is an ongoing effort to give the enemy things to destroy.” Gaza City, December 4 – Activists working toward the economic, political, and cultural isolation of the Jewish State voiced frustration today that the Palestinian movement governing the Gaza Strip continues to defy the boycott call by providing numerous facilities, personnel, …

His use of company rockets constituted only the latest in a long-running pattern of misuse of company resources for personal purposes. Khan Yunis, November 21 – A militant in the Gaza Strip lost his job with the terrorist group that employed him after supervisors discovered he misused organizational missiles for personal launches, a spokesman for …

Shooting down the rockets in mid-flight presupposes both malicious intent and actual damage or harm. New York, November 14 – Human rights groups denounced Israel today for its use of a missile defense system against weapons launched from the Gaza Strip, describing the defensive measures as out of proportion to the threat. Amnesty International, Human …

Psychological warfare as much as technical sabotage. Tehran, November 5 – Officials in the Islamic Republic of Iran’s atomic weapons development program found themselves locked out of the system governing the initiative this week after Israel’s secret intelligence agency neutralized the computerized security altered all the access codes to a series of black dots. The …

The agency aims to leverage control of Iran’s seismic activity and its weather to bring the enemy country to its knees. Tel Aviv, October 25 – Israel’s secret intelligence service has delayed the operation of its newest seismic device to provide more time for the theft of Iranian leaders’ footwear, a source inside the organization …

Israel’s maniac reserves should be able to handle the necessary level of supply with no significant problem. Tel Aviv, October 16 – Defense officials announced today a new tactic in quelling the unrest emanating from the autonomous Palestinian coastal territory for most of 2018, one that involves the release of Israelis on electric bicycles to …

One observer remarked on the callous disposal of the palm leaves that served as roofing for some of the structures, indicating a lack of sentimental attachment to the homes. Tel Aviv, October 3 – Activists urging a complete Israeli withdrawal to the 1949 ceasefire lines countered longstanding arguments today that wholesale removal of Israeli communities …

If the program proves successful, they and the IDF will consider expanding it to other areas prone to Arab violence. Jerusalem, July 25 – Police will restrict entry to the compound housing a disputed holy site following outbreaks of violence, permitting only females to enter the area because if they end up rioting and throwing …

Some human rights advocates believe a single additional fence does not go far enough. Sderot, July 18 – Critics of Israel’s treatment of Palestinians censured the IDF today for neglecting to take precautions that they assert would save Palestinian lives when Israel enforces its sovereignty by protecting its border, arguing that instead of simply shooting …

“It should free us up to incite our people to murderous violence instead of having to meet each and every Israeli move with a separate such statement.” Ramallah, July 11 – Officials of the Palestinian Authority that governs the entity’s West Bank self-rule zones and representatives of the rival Hamas movement that runs the Gaza …

Incendiary balloons and kites from Gaza have become par for the course in Israel’s south over the last several months. Kissufim, July 4 – Mounting damage from Palestinian balloons and kites attached to incendiary devices has prompted defense officials to take preemptive measures to forestall further destruction of farmland, nature reserves, and buildings, steps that …

The prevailing understanding relies on what some consider an insufficient level of opposition to Jewish sovereignty, humanity, and self-defense. Tel Aviv, June 28 – Academics looking for the hottest possible take on Israel’s on-the-ground moves to reduce its direct control over Palestinian lives have hit upon the real reason for the Disengagement of summer 2005: that …

Last week saw a balloon with “I Love You” printed on it land in an Israeli community near Gaza, attached to a small bomb. Gaza City, June 21 – Residents of this coastal Mediterranean territory warned today that there remain few ideas or objects untouched by hate and violence for them to appropriate and transform …

“Mr. Kim has much to learn from us, and we are willing teachers.” Gaza City, June 14 – Openness that many hope will come in the aftermath of a summit between the leaders of the US and North Korea has officials in the Islamist movement that governs Gaza hoping they can provide expertise to the …

Al-Zahar declined to specify the number of designated human shield/martyrs slated for execution as a result of the fiasco. Gaza City, June 5 – The militant Islamist organization behind much of the rioting over the last several months at the border fence between Israel and this coastal territory has begun implementing the death penalty against …