Prague, June 15 - Human rights monitoring organizations leveled accusations today at the clay figure who defends this city’s Jewish community from marauding Christians, alleging that the animated figure engages in unwarranted brutality against the rioters who attempted to massacre the Jews.
Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, and several European NGOs issued a joint statement condemning the 16th-century clay defender for “disproportionate and indiscriminate force” against the rioters, who had arrived armed with torches, axes, and various farm implements.
“The Golem’s actions show a shocking disregard for the dignity and bodily integrity of the mob,” said spokesperson Greta von Klinger. “Crushing seventeen attackers into the cobblestones and throwing two more into the Vltava River crosses a clear red line. This clearly constitutes excessive force.”
Witnesses reported the Golem, created by Rabbi Judah Loew after centuries of violence against the Jews of the Holy Roman Empire, moved with “terrifying efficiency.” According to local accounts, it first issued a single booming warning — “Begone” — before wading into the crowd. Critics called the response “disproportionate,” noting the Golem continued its defensive measures even after the mob began retreating.
Rabbi Loew’s argued that the Golem acted strictly within the parameters inscribed on its forehead. “He was created to protect the community from existential threats,” he insisted. “The mob was literally trying to burn down the synagogue with people inside. At what point does ‘pogrom mob’s rights’ include the right to murder Jews without pushback?”
“Don’t answer that!” warned Ken Roth, formerly of Human Rights Watch, narrowly averting the embarrassment of an honest response.
The United Nations Human Rights Council called an emergency session to discuss the matter. Rival condemnation proposals from Iran, Turkey, Qatar, Sudan, Yemen, Turkmenistan, and China, among other bastions of human rights, submitted multiple rival draft resolution proposals to condemn the Golem, Rabbi Loew, the Prague Jewish community, and any other Jews who might exist - but the Council has so far failed to settle on just one of the resolutions; session have consisted in the main of vociferous denunciations of “Zionism,” a political concept that will not exist for three more centuries but which the member nations of the Council already itch to use as a thin veil for genocidal Jew-hate.
“What we like most about this,” explained the Iranian delegate, “is the literal blood libels that spark the mobs. Back in the twenty-first century, the term has been somewhat diluted by its metaphorical extension to accusations that Jews are into the murder of innocents. It’s kind of refreshing to be able to be there for the accusations that Jews literally use gentile children’s blood for matza. There’s a visceral thrill that you just don’t get when it’s more figurative.”
Several delegates from Iran, Qatar, Belarus, China, and Turkmenistan nevertheless expressed interest in the creation of Golems, to conduct repression of dissent.
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