Heaven, August 13 – In a rare public statement delivered via a burning bush that refused to be extinguished no matter how many times the Archangel Michael poured holy water on it, the Almighty today sought to calm His Chosen People regarding the latest round of existential threats, insisting that the 1,400-year campaign of conquest, subjugation, forced conversion, and intermittent massacre directed at them by a certain monotheistic offshoot is “will pass,” like acne or something.
“Look, I know it feels endless,” God told a hastily assembled minyan of prophets and rabbis in the celestial waiting room. “Fourteen centuries of dhimmitude, blood libels, forced conversions, expulsions, and the occasional caliphate that treats Jewish existence as a personal insult can seem like a long time. But trust Me — they’re just going through something. Every people has its awkward centuries. Remember the Assyrians? Flash in the pan. The Babylonians? Temporary. Goth? This one will pass too. Probably.”
Divine spokesangels clarified that the reassurance aimed to assuage Jewish anxiety amid continued rocket fire, hostage-taking, mass rape, shootings, synagogue attacks, and academic conferences titled “From the River to the Sea: A Modest Einsatzgruppen Proposal.” Heaven’s official position remains that the phenomenon in question — sometimes appearing in less diplomatic circles as “the Religion of Peace having a very long adolescence” — should not be taken personally or judged too harshly.
“They’re experimenting with identity,” God continued. “One minute it’s trade routes and poetry, the next it’s jizya and jihad. Classic phase behavior. I’ve seen it before. The key is not to overreact. Keep the Sabbath, earn a few more Nobel Prizes, dominate the tech field, and wait it out. They’ll grow out of the whole ‘kill the Jews’ thing eventually. Or at least get distracted by something shinier. Eventually.”
Reaction among the heavenly host proved mixed. The Prophet Elijah muttered that 1,400 years seemed “a bit long for a phase,” while Moses pointed out that the last time God used the phrase “just a phase,” the Egyptians were still enslaving Israelites three generations later. The Almighty waved both concerns away with a cosmic shrug. “Perspective, people. Geological time. Cosmic time. My time. What’s a millennium and a half between friends? Besides, look how far you’ve come. You used to be stuck in Egypt. Now you’re stuck in traffic in Tel Aviv arguing about judicial reform while the same old characters still chant about finishing the job. Progress!”
God declined to give a firm Messianic timeline. “I’m not a micromanager. Free will and all that. But I can promise you this: when they finally do grow up, you’ll be the first to know. Until then, try not to take the pogroms so personally. It’s not about you. Well, it is about you. But not personally.” The meeting concluded with God muttering something about “kids these days.”
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