New York, July 6 - Supporters of the Yankees, Mets, Jets, and Giants received sobering news today from various messengers of the divine, to the effect that, while the thought of adding to the accomplishments of the Knicks on behalf of the Big Apple this year by having another area team bring home a trophy or rings carries immense appeal, such a scenario remains too farfetched even by miraculous standards, and that perhaps a less absurd request, such as a permanent resolution of the conflict between the Jewish State and the Islamic Republic, might meet with better results.

Rabbi Shmuel Goldfarb of Congregation Beth Hopeful in Brooklyn delivered the message during a sparsely attended minyan. “Look, I’m all for sports miracles,” he said, adjusting his tallis. “We’ve seen the 1969 Mets. We’ve seen the 1994 Rangers. But two New York championships in one calendar year? That’s not a prayer. That’s hubris. Try asking for something reasonable, like Iran recognizing Israel’s right to exist while dismantling its nuclear program and adopting Methodism. Baby steps.”

Local sports radio host Mike “The Fanatic” Rossano agreed that the Mets making the postseason this year appears less likely than Netanyahu and Khamenei hugging it out on the White House lawn. “We use the language of ‘miracles’ and ‘one-in-a-million’ all the time in this industry,” he acknowledged. “But most of the time that’s just metaphor, or embellishment. We know there are hard limitations that probability imposes, regardless of what might be theoretically possible.”

“What I’m saying is, you’re more likely to correctly call a coin-toss landing on its edge nine hundred times in a row than to correctly predict the Yankees even reach the playoffs this year, let alone bring home World Series rings.”

Religious leaders noted that the faithful of all stripes know better than to entertain notions of asking for either of the region’s NFL teams to achieve anything beyond forgettability this coming fall.

“It is important now, as always, to take satisfaction in what one already has,” admonished Rabbi Josh Goller of the Young Israel of West Hempstead, technically in Mets territory, on Long Island. “Pirkei Avot reminds us that the truly happy person finds joy in his existing fortune, of whatever size. The primordial sin stems from feeling entitled. No one is entitle to a title, though Yankee fans of the 1930’s and 1950’s could be forgiven for developing a sense that a World Series championship was a New York birthright. The point is, it’s less ludicrous to think that the Palestinians will simply accept defeat and stop preaching death to Jews.”

Please support our work through Patreon.

Buy In The Biblical Sense: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B92QYWSL