“Also they raped us with the bird carcasses and turned us into newts.”

Wilderness of Sinai, May 27 – A coalition of 47 international NGOs, human rights organizations, and environmental activists has issued an urgent statement denouncing the Hebrews’ post-Exodus mass harvesting of quail as “a clear case of ecological terrorism and settler-colonial overconsumption.”

“Witness accounts describe winds driving quail from the sea in such quantities that they covered the camp for a day’s journey on either side, piled two cubits high,” said Dr. Fatima al-Khaled, Sinai field coordinator for Birds Without Borders. “This was industrialized avian slaughter. The Israelites rejected sustainable manna — a perfectly adequate plant-based diet — in favor of a sadistic meat frenzy. We demand an immediate UN inquiry into these war crimes against nature.”

According to the complaint filed with the freshly established Sinai Environmental Court, the Israelites’ gluttony at Kibroth Hattaavah has already caused “irreparable damage” to Palestinian migratory flyways, disrupted desert biodiversity, and contributed to what activists are calling “the first man-made avian climate catastrophe.” Activists point to the subsequent plague that struck the camp as “poetic justice” and proof of karmic blowback from fossil-quail emissions.

Amnesty International’s latest flash report, “Quail Lives Matter: Documenting the Sinai Bird Genocide,” includes eyewitness sketches of piled corpses and interviews with traumatized local Amalekites who claim the Israelite tents now “reek of settler privilege and roasted flesh.”

“Also they raped us with the bird carcasses and turned us into newts,” insisted Ayam Abu Tliqr.

After an awkward pause, Abu Tliqr explained, “It got better.”

Greenpeace Sinai has erected protest encampments in a neighboring wilderness, waving banners reading “Manna Yes, Quail No” and “Stop Weaponizing Weather for Factory Farming.” One activist chained herself to a boulder, shouting, “The quail were indigenous travelers! Your 600,000-man horde has no right to impose your dietary colonialism on this land!”

Activists compared the incident to one from the previous year, when an Amalekite relief flotilla carrying condoms and recreational drugs was intercepted in international sands at Rephidim before it could reach Gaza. Survivors of that debacle issued similar condemnations of the Israelite tendency not to just let their enemies kill them.

UN Special Rapporteur on Indigenous Flora and Fauna Francesca Albohab announced a fact-finding mission and is expected to recommend sanctions, including a quail return quota and reparations in the form of extra manna for Gaza—er, Canaanite wildlife refuges.

Spokespeople for the Israelites did not respond to inquiries. One Israelite woman in quarantine outside the camp avoided contact with reporters who attempted to interview her.

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