Working slogan: “Get a different view of the floating mines!”
Bandar Abbas, May 28 – Local entrepreneur Hamid Al-Farsi discovered of late that this narrow shipping lane, through which one-fifth of the world’s oil passes, may not constitute the ideal spot for leisure craft under the current geopolitical circumstances.
“I thought, ‘People love boating,’” said Al-Farsi, 34, as he watched an IRGC speedboat circle his floating kiosk for the third time that morning. “Sunsets over the Persian Gulf, maybe some fishing. What could go wrong?”
What could go wrong, apparently, includes Iranian Revolutionary Guard vessels demanding to inspect every kayak for “Zionist contraband,” Houthi drones mistaking paddleboards for oil tankers, and American naval forces politely suggesting customers sign liability waivers that include phrases like “Act of God or incoming Hellfire missile.”
The business, which offers hourly rentals of motorboats, jet skis, and “romantic” gondola-style inflatables, opened just days after Iran threatened to close the strait entirely in response to yet another round of sanctions, Israeli airstrikes, and general regional unpleasantness. Al-Farsi had invested his life savings after seeing the success of his cousin’s jet-ski operation in calmer waters off Dubai.
“Business has been… brisk,” he said, gesturing to the lone customer — a visibly nervous Chinese tanker captain on shore leave — who rented a 15-foot skiff “just to get a different view of the floating mines.”
Insurance has proved tricky. Al-Farsi’s policy explicitly excludes “war, terrorism, piracy, and spontaneous combustion caused by Iranian fast-attack boats.” When asked about coverage for a direct hit from a Shahed drone, the agent reportedly laughed for thirty straight seconds before hanging up.
Neighboring governments offered little help, as well. A U.S. Fifth Fleet spokesman wished Al-Farsi “best of luck” and recommended customers wear body armor “for the ambience.” An Israeli official, speaking off the record, suggested the entrepreneur consider relocating the business to “somewhere less likely to explode, such as downtown Beirut. Though we recommend against downtown Chicago.”
Customer reviews on the newly launched website have been mixed. “Nice sunset, terrible drone noise,” wrote one reviewer. Another noted: “Great staff, very accommodating when the IRGC boarded us mid-cruise and asked if we had any Jews on board. Would not recommend for families.”
Al-Farsi has considered adaptations: bullet-resistant life vests, a “Stealth Mode” package that includes camouflage netting, and a loyalty program offering free rentals after ten successful voyages without being seized.
“At this rate,” he said while patching a fresh bullet hole in one of his hulls, “I’ll have my first repeat customer any decade now.”
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