An impressed Lucifer could mutter only, “Damn. Literally.”

Lake of Fire, May 31 – The Prince of Darkness admitted this morning he is “genuinely impressed” by the political efficiency of the rapidly-growing Stygian Islamist political bloc, which has managed to make the netherworld noticeably worse in under a decade.

“Damn,” Lucifer said, shaking his horned head while reviewing quarterly torture metrics that now show a disturbing upward trend in both volume and creativity. “Literally. These guys deliver. My original demons were competent, sure. But they lacked vision. These newcomers? They’re overachievers.”

The shift began with waves of arrivals from Earth’s conflict zones and Western European cities, who immediately formed disciplined voting blocs and began reshaping infernal policy. Their first major victory resulted in a comprehensive ban on music throughout the underworld. Screams of the damned, once accompanied by ironic heavy metal playlists or the occasional elevator tune, now echo in approved silence. “Music is haram,” explained newly elected infernal council member Abu Hamza al-Jahannam. “Even the wailing counts as singing if it has rhythm. We fixed that.”

Demonic staffers, traditionally unionized torturers with generous brimstone benefits, report their jobs are under threat. “I’ve been flaying souls for six centuries,” complained a veteran imp who asked not to be named. “Then these guys show up and they’re just… better at it. More enthusiastic. They don’t need breaks, they don’t unionize, and the things they come up with involving family members, acid to the face, and power tools? I’m filing for early retirement.”

Female demons must now wear hijabs “for modesty,” despite the obvious logistical nightmare in a realm of eternal flames, and the physiological and psychological impossibility of the damned getting aroused. “The cloth keeps catching fire,” one succubus said while patting out her smoldering veil, “but at least I’m not tempting anyone. Except maybe with my screams of pain, but they’re working on banning those too.”

Tax policy has undergone its own reformation. The administration introduced jizya — a protection fee levied on non-Muslim damned souls. “It’s only fair,” said al-Jahannam. “They get to exist here. They should pay for the privilege.” Refusal results in escalated torture, which the Islamists then film for morale-boosting recruitment videos circulated among the living.

Political analysts in Hell call the irony almost too perfect. “Liberal demons warned that mass migration wouldn’t change the character of the underworld,” one minor devil sighed. “They were right for the wrong reasons. It didn’t change the character. It supercharged it.”

Satan, for his part, remains philosophical. “I built this place on pride, wrath, and envy. They added doctrinal consistency and voter turnout. Honestly, I might retire and let them run the show. The productivity numbers are through the roof.”

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